Category: depression

Feeling sad, tired, and depressed

I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I slept for about maybe 2.5-3 hours and then woke up around 0130. I tried going back to sleep several times but just couldn’t. I finished reading my book and increased the challenge to 16 books so I just have to read three more books for the year. I woke up around 9 and I needed to be up so I could get my prescriptions before my grocery delivery. I didn’t want to leave my bed. It was so hard to move. I felt so sluggish. Having coffee didn’t help. My cousin gave me food so I had the quiche and some sausages for breakfast. I only drank one cup of coffee. I figured if I go out to the Square, I can get Starbucks. I have been in the mood for lemon cake so I got that, too.

I got dressed and then checked the bus schedule. Bus would be here in like 8 mins. I was halfway out the door when I realized I forgot my earbuds. I went back to my room and still had time at the bus stop. I put the buds in and listened to Red TV again. I ordered a snickers latte and lemon loaf. I got them then went to the pharmacy for my meds. There wasn’t a line so I was in and out. The bus home would be there in like fifteen minutes. I drank my latte while I waited. I was saving the lemon loaf for home.

I wanted to write but couldn’t think of what to say. So I finally put the two questions I got from the CBT suicide ideation book into a word doc. Then I just stared at the questions and wondered if I should answer them and how. I am trying to tell myself there are no wrong answers. But then I think of all I went through last year with my suicide attempt and spending three months in the hospital. I had bad dreams about dialysis the other day. I don’t have specific memories just dreams of being on dialysis.

My groceries came and I brought some upstairs with the help of my niece and her boyfriend. My other niece helped me take the rest to my room. I was going to boil chicken in prep for tomorrow but I will just do every thing tomorrow. I plan on making the chicken broccoli casserole again. Now that everyone likes it, I think it will be a keeper. I just got to cut down on the different pans I use for it.

I feel depressed. I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I hope I can sleep through the night. I am going to try and go to bed later tonight. I don’t know what I am going to read. I want to save Managing Suicide Risk for Starbucks. I have a baseball book I haven’t read yet. Maybe I will start that.

Therapy and other stuff

I had therapy today. I managed to drink two cups of coffee before session. I was determined not to do EMDR today because I had wicked bad dreams last night and I didn’t want to get more dysregulated than I already was. When I brought up the dreams, my therapist didn’t even ask about them. I told her they were disturbing and then she was kind of gung-ho about doing an EMDR session. I was like no, not happening. She said I am avoiding again. She really pissed me off but I didn’t tell her that. She never meets me where I am at. At the end of the session, she told me to do one DBT skill for the week. I told her I would try. Now I got to find a skill that I can do.

I realized during session that a bunch of anniversaries are coming up in the next month, particularly in the next two weeks. One is my top surgery. I will be 6 months post op. Then I will have the anniversary of going on T, followed by the anniversary of my mother’s death. I also have my official name change later this month. I am going to do something. I just don’t know what yet.

I have to go grocery shopping for a few items. I need to get a pie for tomorrow as I am going to see my cousin that lives south of Boston. I don’t remember the last time I saw her. It has been a while. It should be a good day. I just hope the traffic isn’t horrible.

I loaded my Starbucks card so now I have funds for coffee. I plan on going there at least a few times a week so I can read Managing Suicide Risk, 3^rd Edition. I want to spend the month reading it. I think it should take me at least two weeks to read it. I also plan on writing a review on it so people can read it. I didn’t get a huge response with my Critical Suicidology review.

Stupid Elon changed Twitter to X without an update on my phone and I am so fucking pissed. Now I am getting X notifications from the people I follow who I don’t ordinarily get them from. Like What the FUCK. I don’t care if Mary retweeted John or quoted him in doing so. I think I am going to take the app off my phone and just look at it when I am on my laptop. I have been on BlueSky. I sort of like it. A lot less hate than X. I hate that Twitter isn’t Twitter anymore. It is just a hate filled cesspool.

I got to shave and do something about my mustache. I need to trim it and I think I am going to try and trim it to one that is above 1/8. Maybe ¾. I don’t know. I just hope I don’t fuck it up so bad I need to shave it off cuz that will suck. I also got to do something about my chin hair. It is ragged and uneven. I can’t trim it too close because then it feels weird and the hairs pinch me when I lick my lips. I will try and see if I can do them the same length as my mustache. Then I will go to the store. I don’t know when I am going to pick up my meds. Maybe tomorrow if I come back early enough from my cousins outing. Otherwise, it will have to wait until Wednesday.

Saturday Blog 23092023

Today I woke up in a mood. I didn’t want to do anything. I decided I was just going to shower and drink coffee. I have done both those things. I had three cups of coffee. I felt ok showering though my back cramped up like it usually does.

I listened to Coldplay for most of the time I have been up, which has only been a couple of hours. I ate. My bro in law made a burger and it was good. He also made potato salad which was good. I also had a turkey sandwich. I just took my Latuda because I figured I might as well. I just did my med boxes for the week. I have to order my OTC stuff and vitamins. I wish my allergy med wasn’t so expensive. I wanted to get a baseball book but now it doesn’t seem wise. I will get it eventually. And the baseball isn’t boring Tshirt. Baseball season will be over next weekend. Then the playoffs will start. I am sort of interested.

I am tired despite me having three cups of coffee. I didn’t really sleep well during the night. I kept waking up from weird dreams. Luckily no headaches. I am not sure what I am going to do this evening. Ballgame was this afternoon. They are still playing as it is 0-0 right now. I might read for a couple of hours. I don’t know. I tried reading last night but it didn’t happen. I just couldn’t focus.

I thought about writing something more for my book but I don’t really know how to put it. I thought about writing about the time a NP made me uncomfortable when I saw her for a foot problem not a transgender issue. I didn’t get any support from my pcp at the time. I have since left that practice due to other reasons. But healthcare professionals really don’t know much about trans health care or even gender affirming care. It is sad.

The temp is cool today though it is rainy, again. Next week I hope to go to my cousin’s house that is south of Boston. Hope the weather that day is nice. I haven’t looked at the weather report because it can change between now and then. It’s kind of cold in my room. I just put on PJ pants. I still have my fan going to give me some air. It’s not that cold yet for me to turn it off.