Category: depression

Have a silly day

Seeing Sara Evans

Sara Evans is coming to a casino near me and my sister got tickets for me and a free room so we can spend the night. It will be the first time seeing her. I’ve been listening to her music all day. She has a sweet voice. One of my favorite songs of hers is this

I had therapy today. She wants me to find a support group so I emailed someone at MGH in bereavement. We talked about the grief and how it is affecting me. I told her I have had bouts of suicidality. She didn’t ask for plans or specifics so I just let it go.

Tomorrow will be a month that my mother has been gone. My sister showed me a video today of her being silly. I miss her so much. I was looking at her unmade bed and just doesn’t seem right. I think I am going to make her bed just so that it doesn’t irk me so much. Tomorrow I need to go to the bank to unlock her account. I don’t know why the bank did that when my sister and I are on the account, too.

My pcp finally got back to me about my testosterone level. It is on the high side so will recheck it in a couple months. I knew I got it drawn too early but I didn’t want to trek back to the hospital a couple days later. I seem to be going there every few days anyway with the fluid in my chest. It is getting better though. I have to go back next week to get it checked again. I had to put more money on my tpass for the month. I also put some funds on my Starbucks card. Maybe I will go to the Square more for some lattes.

I got some food stuck in my tooth when I was eating lunch so I brushed my teeth. I used a new toothbrush because the one I had is more than 3 months old. Still stings when I don’t see my mother’s toothbrush in the cup. Little things like that just make the grief worse.

I took a fall yesterday. I tripped over the top step on my front porch. I thought I hurt just my left knee but today both knees hurt. I also have a headache. I keep getting these sharp pains in my head. I don’t know what they are about. I’ve had them since I was in the hospital. Every so often they come back. Today has been one of those days. I took some ibuprofen but it doesn’t seem to help it. It isn’t migraine activity as my migraine med doesn’t do anything to relieve the headache. I don’t know what it is. I keep meaning to message the doc but it is so infrequent that I forget to mention it.

Afternoon activities

I woke up around 1am to take my antibiotic and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was up most of the night. I read some and wrote some. I felt like shit and it continued to the day. I woke up around 11 and had my first cup of coffee. I canceled my dentist appointments. I feel like I need to be back in the hospital but because of the ongoing chest issues, I can’t go in just yet.

I went to the clinic for my chest check. I still had fluid on the right side. I decided for them to put a wick in but they had trouble placing it. So they aspirated the fluid. It wasn’t a lot but enough. I need to come back next week. On the train ride home there was a lady that just was singing and yelling a lot. I have no idea what her problem was. I think she had mental illness of some kind.

I ordered Chinese food for supper. It was the only thing I ate all day. I had messaged my psychiatrist about drinking Ensure for my night time Latuda dose and he was fine with it. I told him I still am not eating right. I have just one meal a day, most days. If I don’t eat because I am not hungry, I will have a couple of protein Ensures.

I have the VNA coming Thursday. I have a wound on the right side now as they had to cut me to try and get the wick in. I have to put antibiotic ointment on it with a bandage. I will shower tomorrow as I need to shave my armpits so they don’t smell so bad. I sweat so much. I get hot at night when I am under the covers despite my room being cold.

I reached out to my therapist about how I have been feeling. I am glad we are meeting tomorrow. Listening to Bon Jovi and it is helping my mood. I love their music. Wish I had more 80s music but there are so many one hit wonders throughout the decade. It would cost a fortune to collect all my favorites. I am sure if I listen to Pandora I can get a playlist of some kind. I loaded Linkin Park to my laptop last night and listened to the live album of Meteora20. It was pretty cool. I miss Chester so much. His talent is unmatched.