Have you ever been camping?
Yes, when I was a teen, we would go to Westford Mass and they had a camp site there with a lake. It was gorgeous and fun. Best part was being away from the city.
Category: depression
Dcmd
I’ve been out to my family since I wrote my memoir in 2014. I didn’t tell my mother until 2017 when I legally changed my name. She first accepted me and then when the paperwork came, she didn’t want to call me my name and insisted I was still her daughter. Fast forward to now.
In Dec, she was diagnosed with cancer. In the beginning of March, she finally called me son. At first, I thought it was because I kept on telling the medical staff I was her son. But then she really shocked me when she told my aunt, unprompted, that her son was here. We never talked about it. I didn’t know how to feel because she was dying. She died a month ago on Apr 4th. I am proud she finally accepted me. Just wish it didn’t take till her dying for it to happen. I still am conflicted and sore.
Anyways, that is my story
no therapy today
No therapy today
I got a text from my therapist this morning saying that she couldn’t meet with me. We rescheduled for Wed. I went back to bed. I got up around noon with a slight headache. I had coffee and some cookies. I then took a shower. I noticed some irritation that I thought was dried blood under my incision. But I think it is a rash from the binder. I have taken it off and haven’t put it back on. I think I am going to take a break from wearing it today. I will put it on tonight.
I feel really sad today. My headache got worse but seems to be better now that I had some Gatorade and Tylenol. I ordered lunch. I didn’t feel like cooking. That is the problem with buying groceries, you need to cook. I forgot to get cauliflower. I will have to get some the next time I go to the Square. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I meant to when I showered but forgot. It is so hard to brush my teeth.
I am not sure what I will be doing today. I need to go to the post office to mail a card. I thought about getting some pizza as a reward. I still might get some. I don’t know. I am indecisive today. The scab on my nipple still hasn’t come off. I thought taking a shower would loosen it but it didn’t. I got most of it off. The left looks better than the right. I am still numb all around my chest. I put the bandage back on where it was a little open but it looks good. Scar looks a little weird and there is some black stuff under the incision line. I think it is just glue from having tape or bandages on for so long.
The Bruins lost last night. I am shocked. I really thought they would have made it to the cup as they have been playing awesome all season. Now I am rooting for the Minnesota Wilds. It is the team my friend likes. I think they are still in the first round. I have no idea how hockey playoffs go as I am not a hockey fan. I just follow baseball and a little pro football. Mostly I watch college football because it is more exciting. But I no longer have cable so I won’t be able to watch games anymore. I listen the ball games on the radio or through the app. I have never listened to a football game before.
I have been thinking about my mother calling me son before she died. I don’t know why it took so long for her to do this. It troubles me. I don’t know why exactly. It was only a short time that she did this. I haven’t been called brother by my sisters. Throughout the wake and funeral, my baby sister referred me as “sibling”. I guess it is better than being called sister.
A cold and rainy end to April in Boston
A cold and rainy end to April
Today is cold and raw and rainy. Baseball game doesn’t have too many hits. It has been a quiet game so far. I hope the Sox start tacking on runs to support Sale. He has been pitching well today despite the weather conditions.
I had a dream about my mother. She was in the kitchen hollering to me about a chair. I have no idea what she was talking about. I ignored her and ate a bag of chips in my room. I woke up feeling sad. I have been trying to ignore how I feel but it hasn’t worked. I don’t think it ever does. The feelings just creep on you and then show their face whenever you aren’t expecting it.
It’s cold in my room and I think it is making me just want to stay under the covers. I don’t want to do anything. I haven’t showered since Wed. I did brush my teeth today. I also did last night before bed. I need to change my bandage. I just don’t want to do nothing. I have therapy tomorrow. I don’t know if I want to see her again this week or not. I guess I will decide tomorrow. I got to go to the clinic on Tues to have my chest checked again. I have some swelling under my armpit that I hope is just from the binder and not fluid. My right was pretty flat yesterday. I haven’t taken the binder off today. I am still debating showering. It might help my allergies and headache I have if I take a nice hot shower. Might also warm me up some. I got to find some soap that I like. I had a shower gel that is nice but my niece used it. I prefer to use soap as it is easier for me. I know it dries your skin but when you hate showering, you want something fast rather than rinsing a loofah thing.
I started reading Caste by Isabel Wilkerson. It is good so far. I only read a chapter. I plan on reading more tonight before bed. For dinner I plan on making some turkey bacon for a sandwich. I got to make it before it goes bad. Just hope I have American cheese.
midnightdemons7 
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