Category: depression

In a mood

I woke up around noon and I was in such a mood. I got a message from my pcp asking why I needed my pain meds refilled because it was only 2.5 weeks since it was filled and apparently, ten pills was supposed to last me 30 fucking days. I have had a lot of pain recently so I told them this. I still haven’t received a refill yet. Ugh. I hate this bullshit. Then I read that the GOP republicans in the House aren’t getting their spending cuts so we are probably going into another shutdown of the government. Great. Means my sister will be furloughed or not paid. I am so mad.

I had to get more half and half as there was none. I tried having a cup of coffee with my sister’s creamer and it was not coffee. I don’t know what it was. I drank like ¾ of it and then dumped it. I had to go to the grocery store. My phone needed to be charged so I figured I would go when it was. I left the house with cab vouchers and no headphones. I only had $20. I bought literally three things, turkey breast, half and half, and some pre-made chicken for lunch. It came to over $21. I had to use my debit card for like $2. I am glad I am getting paid on Monday. I need to go there again and get something for my cousins get together Tuesday. I have no idea what to get them so I am thinking a cheese platter of some kind. And some soda I like because they told me to get something I like to drink. I forgot to get some Gatorade. I only have four bottles left before I can put in my grocery order for the month. The lemon-lime is out of stock right now. If they don’t become in-stock by the time I place my order, I will have to go to the store and get some.

I left the store as it was a nice day and went to what I thought was a bus stop. Turns out they fucking moved it so I had to walk two blocks to catch the bus. Luckily, the next bus was at a red light so I could board. I am so fucking mad. My city keeps doing shit like this and letting the T get its way. If I wasn’t feeling good, there was no way for me to have walked the two blocks. I would have had to go back to the store to have a cab take me home. Just kills me because I used to be able to walk from that location to my house nearly every day when I worked in that area.

I came home and ate the chicken I bought and made a decent cup of coffee. I ate slow so I wouldn’t have to worry about choking. Some of the chicken was dry so I was careful. It sucks I have to eat mindfully all the time. I can’t eat fast or I might take a too big of a bite and then have problems swallowing it. Just sucks.

I need to take a shower and shave. It has been only two days since my last shave and already I am having some hair on my face again. I have to do something about my mustache because it’s all over the place. I might trim it again. I don’t know. Maybe I will try and get it like my Uncle had his. I can experiment now that I have a decent trimmer. Just hope I don’t mess up and have to take it off.

Eight years ago

Eight years ago, my article for the New York Times was published (https://archive.nytimes.com/opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/09/08/love-hate-and-suicide/?_r=0)

It was a very proud moment for me. I felt I made it as a writer. It was fitting it was published during Suicide Prevention Month, which is September. This is why I wanted to publish my review before September ended.

I am not having a good day. I woke up a few times with severe headaches. And then while eating my lunch, I felt some food get stuck. It wasn’t but it felt like it. I didn’t choke though. I thought no one was home but my nephew was. It freaked me out some. I shouldn’t have cooked the burger so much but I kind of forgot about it as it was cooking so it dried out. Still feels like something is stuck but I am not having a problem swallowing. I think it is just a phantom sensation.

I think I am going to try and go out tomorrow. I have no more cream for my coffee. I haven’t left the house all week. I need to shower but I don’t think it will be today. I am too tired to try. I made a mistake the last time I showered while tired and nearly slipped and fell. I don’t get the new mat until next week when I get paid. I just want to nap. Think I might.

Therapy on a rainy day

I woke up a couple of hours before my therapy appointment. I could hear the rain beat against my AC and window. I didn’t want to get up but I had to pee. My nephew was in the bathroom so I went to the kitchen. It was pouring out but no leaks in the house. Sometimes when it is windy and rainy we get a little water in the house. I went to the bathroom and then went up to my room to take my meds. I had some messages on my phone so I looked through them after I took my meds. My pcp responded to the message I sent over the weekend. She said the iron was ok but the B2 could be increased. She said she will wait until I see my neuro before making changes to see if they help my headaches.

I had two cups of coffee before therapy. Therapy was tough. She continued with the EMDR and today was more intense than last week. I was triggered a few times and it was really difficult. We talked about the trauma my mother put me through, trying to focus on one memory was hard. I had so many in the shower, even as an adult. I just had to make a shower longer while she was in the bathroom just so she didn’t see me naked. She had me transfer to an EMDR website and I don’t think she is going to drop this. I have never seen a therapist that sees past my target moving stuff. This shit is hard.

I have tried writing the review for the book Critical Suicidology. I was getting my notes together and found I didn’t write a short review of chapter four. I might have to re-read it as I don’t really remember what it was about. I should be able to write this thing in the next few days.

I got another migraine. I had to shut the ceiling fan off because the air movement was hurting my head. I took a shower today and shaved the sides and back of my head. I also shaved my face around the goatee. I like how the goatee looks so I think I am going to keep it for a while. I have been talking to a woman on the new social app BlueSky. She is into women so I don’t have a chance with her. She is wicked cute though.

I have been listening to my ERAS playlist with all of Taylor’s songs. It’s a good mash up of songs when I don’t feel like listening to a particular album. I cannot wait till 1989 TV comes out in a few weeks.

Saturday Blog 16092023

My niece finally responded to my text today. She has not been home all week and I miss her. I understand that being home has been difficult for her so I understand that she has a place to go to for a bit. I wish I did. Anyways, she posted a couple of videos of my mother and I felt sick. The old hurts returned and I remembered the abuse I went through. Just hearing her voice brought back the old stuff. I remembered that I despised her and still do in some ways. She wasn’t kind to me in some ways.

I’ve spent the afternoon dealing with stuff. I wanted to read but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I watched Friends instead. It made me laugh. My cousin called me while I was watching. I didn’t answer the phone because I didn’t want to talk to him right then. He doesn’t get how bad things get for me. He thinks I am on the same level with him but I am not. I know my depression is worse than his because I have been hospitalized more times than him. I am also suicidal a lot of the time and he isn’t. He doesn’t understand that. We don’t talk about it.

I made an entry on Kindle for my book as an ebook for now. They wanted me to write a description of the book. I wrote one fricken line. I don’t even think it was a hundred characters. I am pathetic. I can’t even expand on my memoir. I am so frustrated. I know every writer has their own way of doing things, their own little perks. I wish I knew what mine was. Probably being concise. I remember when I started this blog, I could easily write 1500 words or more. Now I struggle sometimes just to write 300. I have lost something over the years. Maybe taking a writing class will help me. I don’t know.

I didn’t shower today or shave. I think I am going to try and trim my hair a little bit. I shaved some off the other day and it was too low. I have to go up so I plan on using the trimmer I bought to do the job. If I fuck it up, I will just wear a hat for a while until it grows back out in a week.

I mostly just ate junk food today. I did eat some turkey breast deli meat. It was all I wanted. I wasn’t too hungry today. I ate combos from my sister’s apartment. She was going to make me some pasta but I told her no. She was going to my neighbor’s for dinner and wanted me to come. I just didn’t feel like leaving the house today. I smell as I haven’t showered. I have been scared to take one as the last time I did, I slipped and hurt my knee. I almost fell. I am glad I didn’t do something bad with my knee, even though it hurt like hell. I have to buy a new shower mat. The one my sister has is too narrow. It doesn’t fit the bottom of the shower stall at all. My foot slipped on the part where there was no mat. I don’t know what she did with the other mat she had. She keeps on changing shit and it drives me fucking nuts.

I have 79 pages in my book and almost 12K words. I just need to write another 40-50 pages and I think I can call it done. I am going to include some trans lines and support resources that I got from What’s The T? by Juno Dawson. I think that will be a good thing. I got asked who is my audience and frankly I am thinking those that are transitioning as an adult but not really a young adult or teen. I might have an editor soon. I have two people that have come across. I think I will have two editors so that if one person misses something, it will be caught. The more eyes the better in the writing world. I was thinking of having my second book out just as an ebook. Problem is, I don’t know where the file is. I think it is on my old laptop that needs a new screen. I need to take it to a computer tech so I can get the files off the hard drive. Then I can junk it. This laptop is getting old but once it gets going, works pretty well. I have problems with Edge and even sometimes FireFox doesn’t load my email. I think it is a Microsoft issue. I just had an update on this thing so I am good for the next week or two. I had to do a hard reset the other day and lost part of my blog that I wrote because I didn’t save it. Learned my lesson.