Category: depression

Not the only lonely one

I am listening to Thomas Rhett and Luke Combs. I couldn’t decide which album to play so played both. I am not up to listening Taylor. She has so many good albums it is hard to pick one, though I did create an ERAS playlist so I can listen to those songs. I still haven’t watched the docuseries. I might watch it tonight. Depends on how I feel.

I got up around noon. I had some weird ass dreams that gave me headaches. One had my mother in it and seemed to go on forever. I had a mocha with some pumpkin pie and then I had a cup of hot coffee. I got a stomachache and it was hard to drink the coffee. I haven’t eaten anything since and I am not really hungry but I am making sure I am drinking fluids. It’s hot in my room and I am sweating. I stink so I need to shower.

I was able to clean one corner of my room. I have been meaning to do it for a while and today I finally did it. I had to do it in two tries because my lower back flared up. I brought the stuff to the bins except the trash. I will do that later. I am tired right now. I also did my meds for the week. Friday I did a mistake. I took my morning meds instead of my night meds. I was almost done taking them when I realized my error. I had a double dose of antidepressant so I called the pharmacy. They said to look out for side effects and they told me what to look for. If I experienced them to call my pcp or go to the ED. I was ok. I didn’t experience anything other than some mild jerking in my legs. I took some Ativan so I wouldn’t freak out and be up all night worrying. I slept most of yesterday. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had McDs. It was the only thing I ate yesterday.

Tomorrow grades are due so I will finally get my GPA adjusted. Then I can redo the audit and see what I need to take next. I should be done with most of my requirements. I know I need to take a 400 level psych class. I need to talk to my psych advisor and see what would be best to take. I am getting there. It feels so far away but I am close. The end line is getting there.

I have therapy tomorrow. I am glad. I need to talk about how bad this weekend was. Christmas was bad but it just got worse from there. I need to shower today and am trying to motivate myself. I usually pick out my clothes and that helps. I haven’t done that yet. Also my bitchy sister isn’t home so taking a shower now would be ideal. Tomorrow is supposed to rain so I probably won’t go out unless it is a light rain. I still need to go to the library to get that stupid book I want to read. I need to get my blood done this week so maybe I will go then before I go to the hospital. I have been up for about four hours and I am already tired. I want to nap. That is all I want to do lately but the problem is my chest gets tight the longer I lie down. I just become stiff. Sucks.

I just couldn’t be bothered today to do anything. Depression is so bad.

I wish it would soon be over, but alas…

I don’t know if the research still supports this but according to the book I am reading about suicide, a recovery from a depressive episode can take at least eleven months. My depressions have lasted so long I don’t even know how long anymore.

I have been in a dreary mood all day. I wanted to clean one area of my room and I still might do it. I also have a stomachache. I ate some hot wings and I don’t think it is agreeing with me. I have been up since 3 even though I slept for a few hours between 7 and 11. I slept for about six hours and then it was like ok I am up. I think I went to bed too early. I will try and go to bed later and see if that helps. Problem is I could get overtired before it is late enough to sleep. Then I won’t sleep at all. It is so damn tricky.

I haven’t watch the Taylor docuseries. Today is episode 5 and 6. I just am not really interested. Depression is making it hard to do things I am interested in. I will be glad to see my therapist on Mon. I need to get some contact details from her should I need to cancel our appt. I have to give at least 24 hours notice but our appts are on Mon so I don’t think someone will be in the office on Sun.

It’s freezing outside so the heat has been going all day. I hate the noise it makes. My room is hot so I just put the ceiling fan on. I want a cheeseburger from McDs but it is kind of late now. I don’t want to risk my stomach hurting all night. I am tired and I need to take my night meds soon. It’s too early for bed though so I might read for a bit. I have been reading two books and swapping them when I get tired of reading. I usually will read one book during the night and then the other before bed. I don’t think I am going to make my book challenge this year. I might be like two books short, if I finish the two I am reading right now. I have a few more days so we’ll see.

Christmas Day 2025

I am not feeling festive and I just want to stay in bed. I don’t want to be alive. I just feel so fucking sad. I hate this holiday. I am so irritable. I got sleep last night but around 3 I started peeing and getting up every few hours to go. I was having weird dreams. I dreamt I was in the psych hospital again.

I had a couple cups of coffee and some cookies. I need to take my migraine med. I meant to take it before now but I kept forgetting to get it out of the fridge. I just am so tired. I got another damn headache. The dogs were over the house and one of them aggravated the other and they both started barking. Then my sister (bitch) fought with her daughter. I can’t stand when they fight.

We haven’t had dinner but I still full off the cookies. I am not really hungry. I will just have a little of everything. My bro in law is making a prime rib. It’s not my favorite kind of meat. But he wanted it. We are having lamb too. I don’t like lamb.

I feel sad and numb at the same time. I can’t wait till this day is over with.