Category: depression

Nothing particularly done today

I had a good sleep for once. I think my cold medicine finally allowed me some decent sleep. I had some weird dreams. Mostly about being in the ED and having my work badge on me for some reason. I kept on having the same dream over and over. I thought I would get up around noon but I slept later than that. I got up around 2. I was pissed to find that my breakfast was eaten. I had to make something else. I was not happy. Plus there was poop and pee in the kitchen which really ticked me off. One pee spot was dried and it took some effort to get it out, causing my back to hurt. This is why I don’t usually mop the floor. I would love to just bleach the floor but I don’t have the stamina to do so.

I played with the puppy after I had my coffee. Her toy came so I gave it to her. She has been chewing it all afternoon. She gagged herself with it and I went downstairs to make sure she was ok. The toy was still in one piece so that was good. I thought she was choking on a piece she bit off. I have a treat for her I will give tomorrow.

I went back upstairs to my room. I tried clearing off the bed but I didn’t have the energy. I tried working on the extra credit question but got no where. I finally answered after thinking about it for a few days. I had a lot of thoughts about it but it sickens me to write about it. I hate being white sometimes. I found myself staring at the wall for a few minutes. Maybe more than a few. The plan was to do the question, write my blog, then shower. I think I am going to have ice cream first and then shower. I don’t know what I am going to wear. I usually think of something to change into to help motivate me to shower. Maybe my Sox PJs. I don’t care about the Tshirt. I just grab whatever is handy. I think I have another trans shirt I can wear. I have to see. Last night I took my shirt off to take a pic of my top surgery and there was a ton of back hair on my shirt. I feel like I am shedding or something. Now I know where the hair comes from on my bed.

I still got this cold though my throat is starting to be sore from clearing it all the time. This morning it was so dry. Had to drink a lot to get the sensation to go away. Tomorrow I am going to vote, which means taking a lot of buses because I can’t go up the one street that goes to city hall. It is a monster of a hill/hike. It is the same street that has the T station on it that I will walk to. Thursday looks to be raining and I need to go to Boston to see my pcp for a follow up for the weight loss drug. I hope I will be down a few more pounds. If I can be below 200 I will be happy.

You’re taking me out

I am absolutely in love with the song “Ordinary”. I have listened to it on repeat so many times. Such a good song.

I was up during the night, had to pee, and couldn’t go back to sleep. Then my sister got up and omg she was making so much noise. I thought she would be going to work but I forgot it is Sunday. Finally she stopped making so much noise and I was able to sleep until my med alarm went off. I didn’t get up. I kept having weird dreams. Then I had to pee and I was up around 2. My niece texted me saying she was here so I brushed my teeth and then made a cup of coffee. I went downstairs to watch the rest of the Pats game. They were killing the Browns and just scored a touchdown when I came in. My brother in law made burgers so I had one. After the game I went upstairs to do some work.

I read what the question was and also the article that was required. I didn’t like the article. It was about racism in intelligence tests and it just went on and on about it. I didn’t finish reading the article. Now I got to come up with some Darwinian argument for Western civilization something. Only problem is I think I remember reading Darwin was racist in his ways but I don’t remember where I read that. Or if that is true.

I am so tired. These night of staying up and then sleeping in the morning are getting to me. In the afternoon I get sort of crazy restlessness where being in my own skin bothers me and I have to move to keep from feeling this way. I don’t know if it is anxiety or something else. I counted out pills last night and almost took them. I looked at them and just put them back in the bottle. I just messaged my psychiatrist about this. I don’t know maybe the sleep and the stress of home and school are causing this. I know next semester is going to be harder. I am almost done with my requirement classes. I think I have like two or three left. Then I just have to take two or three elective classes. I am getting there but it is so painful.

Saturday Blog 25102025

I woke up at 245am to pee and then had an insight into my final paper. I had to write it down so I wrote a paragraph and then an outline for it. I sent it to my professor to see if it was what she is looking and it’s not. So I am back to square one. She did give me the go ahead to do a historical search on suicide, which was nice. I just finished “Definition of Suicide” by Shneidman so that helps.

I couldn’t go back to sleep so I read for about an hour and a half. Tried going back to sleep and failed. I just laid down. I forgot I set my alarm because my pharmacy order was to be delivered in the morning and I wanted to be up. I didn’t get up. I got a notification the meds were delivered. I was surprised it was delivered without a handoff. Usually you have to physically accept it.

I have been playing my game most of the day and doomscrolling the chaos that is the US. I ordered a bone for my puppy and she devoured it in like 20 mins. It was totally disintegrated. Kept her quiet for a little while. I still have treats for her. I give her like handfuls at a time because they are so small. I didn’t realize how mini they were.

I have done nothing since this morning for school work and I need to start my group paper. I also need to shower. I think it will feel good to shower. I still have this cold. But the cough is gone. I just have a runny nose. I feel so tired. I think I will nap and then shower. I don’t know what I am going to do for dinner. I had uncrustables with my coffee. I ordered them when I got my Gatorade. They are good. I just hope no one in my family eats them. My ramen noodles are gone and I am not happy about that. I want to get some chicken breast to make a chicken dish. I just don’t know what to make. I need to get ground beef because I wanted Sloppy Joes the other day and wasn’t able to find them in the store. Now I want Sloppy Joes. If I make the chicken and the beef, I will have some meals for at least a week.

I got a headache. I am really feeling exhausted. I had a slight urge to do something but haven’t moved. I need to refill my water bottle. Last night while I was up, I was wicked thirsty. I hope I can do the two things I need to for my class for credit and extra credit. I hope to do that later tonight or tomorrow.