Category: depression

Body dysmorphia

I am having a hard time with my body right now. I am shirtless which means I am seeing my big stomach that won’t go away. I see how big my upper arms are and I hate it. I am not so conscious about my legs though I hate the big ankles only because dress socks become wicked tight after a while. It’s got me depressed. I had to take off my shirt because the temp in my room went up. It is so hot and the ceiling fan isn’t doing much. I am drinking fluids so I don’t dehydrate.

I was talking a little about this in therapy today but we skimmed over it. I was more into trying to get my bed clear today but after going grocery shopping, it depleted my energy levels. I plan on taking a trazodone tonight to help me sleep. It is so hot in my room, I may not be able to otherwise. I wish I could put my AC on but the curtain is down and the blinds are too so there would be a lot of moving stuff. I am just not up to it.

I was able to bring down some recycling. Today wasn’t a total waste. I just wish I felt better mentally. I feel so guilty about things and worthless about others. Just don’t feel like being alive lately. I keep going back and forth with this. Ambivalence is a great but terrible thing sometimes. I am going to see if I can talk to my DMH worker tomorrow. I want to know if there are peer to peer supports near her office. I think there is but I am not sure. We never discussed it. She always thought I would be a good peer support. But I need one for now. Maybe after I get my Bachelors degree I can do some of that work. I don’t know. If I am not dead then.

I just want you

Last night it was really hot in my room so I went downstairs and was snoozing on my niece’s bed as she wasn’t home yet. I ended up falling asleep and cuddling with the puppy. My niece never came home. I have no idea where she is. She hasn’t been responding to my messages. I hope she is ok. I kind of woke up this morning because bitch was loud and the puppy went to the bathroom in the kitchen. I went back to sleep until my med alarm went off. I honestly had no idea what the noise was. I had set an alarm for 830 but stayed in bed. I haven’t heard my med alarm in a long time because I usually take my meds before it went off and earlier than the time I have set.

I had a cup of coffee after I took my meds and got my glasses. I had my phone but I didn’t have my glasses which is kind of stupid as I can’t read my phone without them. After I had my coffee, I went in my room and it was like the tropics. It was so damn hot. It was 81 degrees. 19 outside. I had the ceiling fan on but it wasn’t doing much. I had my session. I told her how worthless and guilty I felt over things and the depression being bad. She asked if I wanted support like a partial hospital and I said no. I don’t find them helpful. I actually find inpatient group much better than outpatient.

I texted my cousin to see if he was still going to take me to the grocery store tomorrow and he told me he could take me today. I waited till he was ready and then I went. I got a few things. They didn’t have the yogurt I wanted so I got something similar. I hope I like it. I also got corn muffins for breakfast. I finally got some roast beef. I didn’t get cheese because that flares up my gallbladder. I am so sad I can’t have cheese anymore.

I had a turkey sandwich and clam chowder for lunch. My stomach was quick to become upset. My side pain hasn’t flared up so that is good. I am listening to Taylor. I made a 1989 and Show girl playlist. I think I am going to have an Ensure with my night meds again. I don’t want my stomach to hurt me all night so I am not going to eat anything. I will make sure that I drink water or Powerade so I stay hydrated. I am going to have to make sure I drink because it is so damn hot in my room and I am not sure when the temps will go down. Heat isn’t above 70 so I don’t understand why it is so hot. We are supposed to get bad weather this weekend. I hope the first day of school isn’t canceled. That would suck.

Are you insane

I got an email this morning from my advisor. Because I am not taking six credit this semester my financial aid is in jeopardy. I have to do a SAP thing to be on track. I hope I get the financial aid I was originally was awarded or I am screwed.

I was up most of the night sneezing my damn head off. I would stop and then start up again like fifteen minutes later. I ended up finishing my book. Then I was bored. I tried sleeping but I was so restless. I kept tossing and turning.

I got up around 12. I played my game and then made coffee. The puppy was sleeping so I pet her for a bit. I had some muffin things with my coffee. Then I brushed my teeth and shaved my head. I also trimmed my beard. I did a bad job trimming my mustache so I need to get the scissors out I think.

I am going to spend some time cleaning my room. I don’t have a lot of energy but I want to take the remaining clothes off my bed.  I also want to hang some more of the hat clips. I still have no found my LGBTQ Sox hat. It is missing. The other one is missing as well.

I am feeling depressed. I got to get moving. I am just so tired all the time it is hard to. I just want to lay down. I am not really hungry today. My stomach isn’t hurting me so I am glad. I might have an Ensure with my night meds. My sister bought turkey breast so I can make a sandwich. I am out of my yogurt. I need to go to the grocery store again. My cousin said he will take me Thurs. I hope so. I only had one cup of coffee today. I am not interested in having another.