Category: depression

The House pass the big ugly bill. Now will be a rough time for Healthcare. Everything has gone to shit. I’m just biding my time. I got an email from UMB. I got financial aid for the fall. I turned down some loans they gave me. I don’t know if what they gave is for a semester or year. I’m only taking two classes though in Spring I might try to take three so I can graduate in 2027.

I’ve had a headache for most of the day. It’s been really hot. I ordered chicken wings for dinner and the place didn’t have them. So I had mozzarella sticks and fries. I am expected a refund on the wings. I’ve been watching the puppy though she mostly has been staying under the bed. I went down to check on her and she was on the bed but after I gave her some.pats, she went back under. She hasn’t used the bathroom as far as I can tell. I tried to get her on the porch and I didn’t realize the gate was open. She went downstairs. I’m thankful she didn’t take off on me. I was barefoot so it wasn’t like I could run after her. Scared me tho. We sat on the front porch for a bit. Then she went upstairs and under the bed she went.

My family is at my cousin’s for the annual BBQ. It’s an all day affair and I can’t take it. I like to be there for a few hours and then go home. But I don’t have a ride and they don’t exactly live close to the T so I am at the mercy of my sister. So I don’t go. I have a huge headache. The survey changed time and the first one was at 7am. Sucks. I’m never doing a study like this again. It is so draining.

Sox are off today. They will be in DC tomorrow playing the Nationals then be back to Boston midweek. I haven’t decided if I am going to go see my DMH case worker in person or not. I might just to get out of the house. That will be next week.

Muggy day

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I finally read something and settled down. It was after 3 am though. I took my meds when the med alarm went off and then went back to sleep. I kept an ear out for the survey chime. It didn’t come till around noon. I sort of snoozed after taking it. My sister texted me around 2 asking for something so I got up. I had coffee first. Then I got what she needed and brought it downstairs. She made some cauliflower and beans and rice. I had a little of it. I wasn’t too hungry. After I finished my coffee, I had to go back upstairs to make another one. Today was going to be more than one cup day.

No one is home. The house is so hot. I managed to brush my teeth and shave my head. I missed a spot near my ear so I will have to get it the next time I go to the bathroom. I was sweating so took off my tshirt. Despite me shaving my armpits and showering yesterday, I still smell. I don’t care. No one is around me. My suicidality has been flitting in and out the past few days. I keep thinking about my plan. I’ve been thinking of putting the pills I want to take in a container so I don’t have to count them out. Just so they will be ready. I haven’t done this. It will be one step closer and I don’t want to be that close.

I have been feeling down all day and I have been trying to stay off the news. Terrible things are happening now and I just can’t stand it. I asked the study people if the surveys can come before midnight. It is really affecting my sleep having to wait for the last survey to come in. Sometimes I can sleep but most times I snooze and then I wake up and it is over for me. I am up several hours. And it takes forever to get back to sleep.

My psychiatrist’s office is supposed to call me to move up my appt but they haven’t yet. If I don’t hear from them tomorrow, I will call. I have been having some shaking while eating and not sure why. Also my legs shake, too sometimes. I notice my arm does when I try and go to sleep. I think I am sleeping on a nerve. I usually have to move it around some to find a spot that it doesn’t shake. I am going to try and go out tomorrow. My cousin is having a cookout but it is literally an all day affair and I hate it because I just get bored. After a few hours, I just want to go home and won’t be able to. I just want to go to Starbucks and have a latte then come home and order chicken wings. I might order a bunch of food. They have mozz sticks and mac and cheese bites. Sounds really yummy. And their fries are so good. It will last me until I can order my groceries on Saturday.

I have three appts next week, two in person. I will be able to get out of the house. I am still not sure how I am going to get to see the bottom surgeon consult. I usually go to my hospital in Boston and take the shuttle to the other hospital and then walk up the street to the building. It isn’t far. I don’t know if there is a bus that goes near that area. One probably does but I don’t know it and the Sox are in town so streets will be closed. It will be a ton of traffic. I will leave around 1130 so I can be there early. There is a Starbucks there, or there was anyway. I just hope the appt goes the way I want it.

Wild dreams

I had a few wild dreams last night. The first one was I with this guy and he made me so mad as he was walking away I wanted to punch him in the back of his head. I punched my lamp and woke up so angry and with a sore hand. Then I was dreaming about my mother. I was trying to find her and saw her pushing her wheelchair with her big ass sunglasses on. For some reason she had two stethoscopes with her and an unhoused person took one. I went to grab it to take it back and woke up with me trying to grab something. Thank god I don’t sleep with someone. I might hurt them while I am dreaming.

I had coffee with my sister before she did her things. I told her my struggles with getting groceries. She asked what do I eat. I told her it was mostly burgers and chicken. I will roast a chicken breast with potatoes or make a burger. I don’t really eat vegetables as I don’t know how to make them. My sister will make them and then I will eat them. She is a better cook than I am. So my sister gave me a bunch of stuff and some coffee my brother in law doesn’t like anymore. She is going to have a lady come to my room to help me clean it. She wants me to take all the stuff out so that I can take out the rug and get a new mattress. I don’t know what she is planning for my floor as I don’t like what is underneath the rug. It’s some kind of weird design that is so ugly. She also wants me to get rid of my desk but I don’t want to because it belonged to my favorite uncle and I am not ready to part with it. Besides it is holding my books that I have read/not read.

I need to shower today as it has been a week since I last took one. I never took one yesterday because I was just feeling so down. I feel like shit right now because my head is killing me and I feel so sluggish. I just want to sleep. I had a hard time sleeping last night for some reason. I was listening to country music until like 2 am. I just didn’t want to sleep. I got up around ten after I woke up trying to grab something. That was so fucking weird. I never had dreams like this. I don’t know what to make of them. I don’t see my therapist until next week. I feel so frustrated. I read the news on my social media and it just depresses me. I try not to stay on it too long. I am so fucking worried about this bill that the Senate has right now. If it passes it is going to suck for like 70 million people. And transgender people cannot get care on Medicaid if they have it. I have no idea if I will be able to get bottom surgery like I want to. I have the appt next week for a consult. It is at a “tier 2” place so I don’t know how much it is going to cost me. If I can’t get the surgery, I will be disappointed. I’ve always wanted a penis but like a real one that shoots cum and erects. But seeing as I don’t have a prostate, that isn’t possible. So I just wants a simple meta. I don’t want balls and a scrotum. I hope I can have what I want.