Category: depression

Saturday Blog 21062025

I had a hard time sleeping last night as I was listening to good music and I couldn’t settle down. I was up till around 2am. I slept through the night. I don’t remember what time I got up today. I kept having this weird dream and it just was hard to wake up from it. I had a few cups of coffee. I haven’t done anything all day. I played with the puppy some. It’s hot today but not muggy, thank god.

I tried to write down what the psychologist in the hospital was telling me to talk about in therapy. I only wrote some short paragraphs. Monday I will email it to my therapist. I hope I can see her next week.

My brother in law made burgers. I had one. Now I am hungry again. I can make a fluffernutter but I am not in the mood for it. I really want a tuna sandwich. Think Tues when I get paid, I will do a bit of shopping even though it’s going to be in the 100s. I am hoping it won’t be humid, just hot. There will be storms that day. Always is when the temps are high. Hopefully it won’t be windy as well.

Monday I need to pick up my prescription and possibly the library book I have been meaning to pick up. There used to be a bus stop near the library but the bus stops have changed and there isn’t one now. I have to walk a few more blocks to get there and that is some spoons. Might be taking a taxi that day to get around. Depends how I feel.

Listening to 90s country

I was watching a reel and it ended with some 90s country song. I decided to listen to it on Pandora. I am trying to drink more water. I didn’t really drink yesterday. I got up today after 1230. I just couldn’t get out of bed. I slept through the night so I don’t know why I had such a hard time. My sister was home today. For the second day, the puppy isn’t home. I am sad. I haven’t seen her sweet face. My niece sent a few pics. But it isn’t the same as seeing her.

I am so tired. I made myself brunch. A bacon and cheese sandwich. It was so good. I almost used the entire package of bacon. I kept eating what I was making instead of putting it in a sandwich so I had to make more. It was so good. I cleaned up but I didn’t wash the pan.

I wanted Ben and Jerry’s but the store didn’t have it. I got Friendly’s instead. Not the same thing. I am so mad I am being denied. I am craving their Fudge brownie. I don’t think they make their Chocolate therapy anymore as I haven’t been able to find it.

I am so fucking pissed the Felon is cutting funding to the Trevor Project. It is the Trans youth suicide hotline. It originally was supposed to be Oct 1^st, but now it will be July 17^th. So if someone that is a youth calls 988 and is LGBTQ+, they won’t be connected. I don’t know what the crisis counselor will do. The Trevor Project will still be operational. It is just the funding from the 988 aspect that is being cut. I am so angry. He is so fucking sick in the head. And now with him going for Iran, I think WW3 is around the corner in the next few years, if not sooner. That is if a civil war doesn’t break out first. The ICE and police are continuing to bring havoc to people, taking them off the street and traffic stops.

I was thinking about going to the Pub Tues when I get paid next but I think I am just going to buy some burgers and rolls and grill them. It will be a few meals out of it rather than just one meal. I also want to buy my tuna. I have been craving it. Might have to buy mayo though as my sister has been using it a lot lately.

I just emailed my clinician at the partial and told her I wasn’t continuing with the program. I don’t like it. It’s draining me anyways. I will be fine with just therapy.

I had a hard time getting out of bed today. I didn’t go to partial. I needed to rest. I had a couple cups of coffee and then I took a shower. I was tired afterwards. I tried to nap but my damn phone kept going off. Then my DMH worker called and that was it for trying to nap. I had a good talk.

The puppy was clingy to me today. She is so cute. Her father lifted her up and when she saw me, did a flip to see me. It was so funny. Then a sock got her interest and I was old news lol.

I’ve been feeling depressed most of the day. I haven’t thought about suicide since I came home from the hospital. I’ve had no urges or intent. I just wish I had some energy or motivation. I haven’t left the house today as I just feel so shitty. I was going to take the puppy for a walk but my niece did. Twice. It is still muggy and I hate it. Next few days are going to be wicked hot. Might be a heat wave if the temps stay high enough.

Tiring Tuesday 17062025

I am a part of a study and they have been sending surveys really late so I have been going to bed late. I had a hard time getting up this morning. I wanted to get my blood work done early but that didn’t happen. I had it done after my psychiatrist appt. We discussed ketamine and both agreed it isn’t for me as an outpatient. We also talked about the hospitalization. It was a good meeting overall.

I got dressed after the appt and I am glad I checked the bus schedule as I still had a half hour before the next bus. I waited on my porch. It was a nice but humid day. My allergies this morning were terrible. I have my AC on right now. It took a long time for me to get to the bus stop because I kept getting out of breath. I had to stop every few blocks. The fitbit measured my heart rate to be 160. It went down while I rested but never dropped below 102. It took me a long time while I was out because I kept having to stop. My legs felt like jelly. I really need to go out more. If it doesn’t rain tomorrow, I will try to walk around the block. There was some light drizzle on the way home. It didn’t help the humidity.

I am wicked tired. I don’t think I will be up late doing surveys tonight. I had to remove the do not disturb and sleep mode on my phone because I didn’t know they were coming in at a late hour. Each survey is $1. I have about three weeks left in the study.

I need to shower as I am all stinky from sweating today. I will do it tomorrow. I don’t think my legs will forgive me if I try to take one tonight. My back is already cramping for whatever reason. It also has been hurting me lately. I don’t have the pain all the time, just when I try to move when laying down and it is like a belt around my waist in my lower back. I think I seriously need to invest in a new mattress. I just wish they weren’t so damn expensive.