Category: depression

The new med is making me grumpy and cranky as I need to be up in the morning and I am NOT a morning person. Team met with me soon after breakfast arrived. I was not happy. I was trying to sleep.

I had meeting with people all day today. I had a med student interview me with her professor. Then she did a Hamilton depression scale with me. I was so tired I got a headache.

My sister called at lunch time. It was good talking to her. I haven’t spoken to her all week. We just been texting but she was on her break and couldn’t text as she was driving.

During the med student interview, she asked me why I left the reasons to live blank. I said it was because I feel like it is a guilt trip. If I put my nieces and nephew, the pain i will give them should I die just makes me feel guilty.

I got approved for ketamine infusion and will start tomorrow. Fingers crossed I don’t have a bad reaction. The psychiatrist was really worried because I’ve been hearing voices since I was 5 and had psychotic things happen to me. I don’t know what time this will happen.

I need to brush my teeth as I haven’t done it since Tues. I also need a shower but I might have to do laundry as I don’t think I have clean underwear. I need to check. I haven’t read my book since I’ve been here. I’ve been too restless.

I woke up kind of groggy. Don’t know if it was from the new med or not. I still had weird dreams. I dreamt about the puppy. I came home and she went bananas. I picked her up to hold her. It was a nice dream.

I met with the attending psychiatrist. He had some questions for me about ketamine. He is on the fence because I have a psychotic depression. He is going to talk to his colleagues tomorrow afternoon and make a decision. I’ll find out Friday. My only other option would be ECT and I don’t want to have it because of memory issues. They keep saying it’s minimal and temporary but I seen someone on it on the unit and he struggles to find words. I don’t want to lose any memory function.

After a meeting with the psychologist, I tried to nap but my phone or rather my fitbit kept going off. I got a weird text message from someone and I am not calling that person back. No idea who she/he is.

No idea what I ate but my gallstones are flared up. I didn’t have anything fried or cheesy. I’ll be going to bed soon.

I had woken up to pee around 530. Went back to sleep and I felt so groggy when I woke up two hours later. The fitbit I was wearing vibrated as some message came through. My phone was at the charging station so I went to retrieve it. Breakfast came. I wasn’t really hungry but I ate. I had a cup of tea to try and wake up. I went to the first group feeling grumpy.

I met with team. My discharge date has been taken off the table. We are still working things out. They are going to try a new med for my dreams. I had some really weird ones last night. I don’t remember them now.

I met with one of the psychologists on the unit. She just did her evaluation. I don’t think anything is going to come of it.

I had lunch. I didn’t eat it all. I’m just not hungry today. I am still tired and sluggish. There is a worker in my room doing something at my desk. I want to lie down before the researcher comes. She is going to show me how to charge the fitbit.

I am feeling more depressed than when I came in. I want to leave but I don’t think they will let me. Just seems pointless.