Category: depression

Lacking energy and motivation

I woke up early in the middle of the night. I couldn’t go back to sleep so stayed up for a little while. I read a chapter in my book. I had every intention to going to campus, maybe even going to the language lab, but the energy bus ran off and I was stranded. I didn’t want to leave my bed. I ended up skipping class. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I have so many things to do and so far I have done nothing. I need to brush my teeth and shower, foremost of anything. I think I am going to do that after I write this blog.

I feel like such a loser. I sent off a grief has no timeline to a dear friend and she wrote back saying that she has breast cancer. I am so devastated. She is my second friend with the disease. I slept most of the afternoon. I just couldn’t get going. I had no motivation to do a damn thing.

I had to place an Amazon order because I needed sharps containers. I hated to do it because of the whole Bezos doesn’t pay taxes and supports Felon but I am disabled and need a quick find when I need something. I need to go grocery shopping and I don’t really know how I am going to go. Tomorrow I have my pulmonary tests. That is going to be an hour. And then I need to walk back through the hospital to go home, though I might end up going to North Station and go grocery shopping there. HA. I just hope I remember this and don’t take the redline home. I still need to go to Square to pick up my meds. I hate that they don’t have delivery anymore.

I am tired. I need to take my night meds and shower. I have no idea what I am going to wear. I usually like picking out my clothes before showering. My laundry wasn’t folded. I just emptied on my bed as my sister put it in a basket and I didn’t have a place to put the basket. I am going to try and see if maybe drinking more fluids helps me have a little more energy. I really haven’t been drinking much besides a few cups of coffee and maybe a soda. I don’t even drink that much when I take my meds. I haven’t been thirsty so drinking has been really hard.

Wicked down kind of day

Even though I slept through the night, I still woke up to pee and then it was so hard to get up when I had to for therapy. I set my alarm but all they seem to do is make noise so I shut them off. I haven’t been getting up when they go off. I had virtual therapy with my therapist. It was ok. I can’t tell if she is worried about me or not but she wanted to support me and increase our sessions to twice a week. I see her at our regular time next week and then again on Friday. She talked most of the session. I didn’t feel like talking. I was feeling down and anxious. She wants me to use mindfulness more. I said I would but it is hard to practice it.

I wanted to shower today and I still might. One of these days I have to groom myself because the hair is just so long and I can’t get it short. I am gonna have to shave and that just takes time and energy. Plus I have to be careful.

I ordered a sub because I had to have something to eat and well, my stomach didn’t want food. Now it is hurting me. I should have just had coffee. I started doing my paper after therapy for English class. I still haven’t finished the book and am supposed to start a new book. I am so overwhelmed. I somehow got to write five pages before Monday. I want to do better on this paper. I still also need to do my Italian. I just want to lay in bed. I hate it when my depression is this bad.

Day at the art museum

I woke up really tired though I slept fairly well. I had a date with my niece to go to the Harvard art museum. There was an exhibit of Edvard Munch’s work that I wanted to see. It was pretty cool. There was one piece where he had artwork on a piece of stone. I thought that was very interesting. There also was an old camera. It was pretty huge by today’s standards. I went to Starbucks after because I needed a latte. There was a long line so I had to wait.

I still have to do my meds for the week. I don’t know if I am going to take the migraine supplement because I have had a lot of headaches this past week as well as two migraines. But the directions say it could take up to 90 days to be effective so I am not sure. I am only going on the third week.

I plan on reading after I do my meds. I need to try and get to chapter 20 today. I will read more tomorrow, too. Goal is to try and finish by Tues. We have the second paper due next week. I am hoping to do better now that I know what he is expecting. I sent my Italian professor a message asking what my grade was. He was vague and didn’t give me an answer. He said that as long as I continue to try and keep up with the assignments and homework, I should pass the class. I am worried that the final oral exam is going to be toast and I won’t do well on it.

Tomorrow I have a phone chat with my DMH worker. I have a full week of stuff every day this week. I am going to be so tired come Saturday. Sunday is Easter so I will need to get my school work done before dinner. I need to try and do the extra credit for Eng this week.