Category: depression

Saturday Blog 05042025

I reluctantly got up today. I wanted to sleep. My sister texted me as I was resting. I went downstairs after making a cup of coffee. We talked for a bit until the bitch came down. We have been arguing all morning. I am so sick of her shit. I finished my coffee and wanted another cup but my sister didn’t have cream so I ended up going back upstairs. I had to do my Italian and I already was getting a headache.

I did the best I could on my Italian quiz. I then sent it to a friend to see if I had done somethings correct. Nope. I kept on getting the damn auxillary verbs wrong. I felt so defeated. I changed the grading to pass/fail. Now I just got to keep a D average to pass.

I wanted to nap but I got hungry. My sister made a zucchini lasagna. I had some of that. It was really good. But it didn’t really fill me and I didn’t want the leftover Chinese food from yesterday. I ordered Burger King. I really wanted a burger.

My headache got worse so I took some Tylenol. I had already taken some ibuprofen but it is not doing anything. I want to read my book but head hurts too much. I got to take a shower tonight. I am going to try and nap first. I think a nap might help my head. I don’t know why I am sleepy as I slept pretty good last night.

What a day

I ordered groceries yesterday and I forgot how tiring it is to haul them upstairs by myself. I was supposed to have therapy this morning but my therapist was sick and canceled. Today is my mother’s passing anniversary. It has been a roller coaster of a day. I was feeling kind of okay in the morning. Then I was doing exercise by going up and down stairs for like two hours. Each time I would bring something up, I had to rest because I got out of breath. I mostly did one trip down and up so it was taking forever. I am so mad that the potatoes I bought were not good. I had to get a credit on them. They smelled awful.

My sisters went to the cemetery. I didn’t want to go because I was waiting for my delivery. I ordered Chinese food in honor of my mother. It came right as the groceries came so I didn’t eat right away. The food was still warm when I put all the perishable stuff away. Then the bitch came home and called me an addict because of how many powerade I bought. I didn’t buy any last month because I couldn’t afford them so I got plenty this time to last me. I had been drinking water but I can’t take water with my meds all the time. I hate the taste of the pills, especially the supplements.

I tried not to let her get to me but she did. I was so mad. I wish she would mind her fucking business. My cousin called right when she was bitching and I was kind of angry at him. I should have just sent it to voicemail. He is a pain in the ass sometimes.

I am so fucking tired. I tried resting or napping and neither happened. My phone blew up while I was trying to rest. I had woken up in the middle of the night. I had to pee but I refused to get up. I finally did when my med alarm went off and I had to get up for therapy but she canceled soon after I got up. It’s been a long day for me. I wanted to do my Italian but I had such brain fog I couldn’t concentrate. I still don’t know the expressions they use and how to use them. I got to take the quiz tomorrow. I was hoping my brain would clear up enough that I could work on at least the homework. I will try and do that later. I wish someone was home to help me with the groceries. It always takes me so long to do it by myself.

Waves

I didn’t want to get out of bed today but my bladder needed to be emptied and as there isn’t a bathroom where the bedrooms are, I had to go downstairs. It woke me up some and I definitely needed coffee. I decided to skip the home brew and just head to Starbucks. It was around 10 or so anyway. I figure with me leaving early, maybe the caffeine would wake me up enough that I could read a chapter or two in my book as I wasn’t able to last night.

I got to campus with 45 minutes before class. I found a seat and read a chapter. It was small. Class went ok and I realized we are supposed to be in the 300s. I just got to around 200, I think. I should hopefully be caught up by Tues. I got to do Italian tonight and the next few days. I need to finish it before Sunday as I am going to a party and I want it done so I don’t have to do anything when I come home.

Last night I felt like I wanted to die. I don’t know why. I didn’t plan or anything. I sat with it. I texted my therapist and she had a cancellation for tomorrow so I am seeing her. She also had one today but I couldn’t make it because I was still traveling home. I met with my psychiatrist today. I can’t tell if he thinks I need to be in the hospital or not. I am doing all I can to stay out of it. I told him about the dreams of my mother and psych hospital. He says they are concerning.

Tomorrow is my mother’s anniversary. It’s been two years since her death. I am going to celebrate by having Chinese food. I also ordered groceries finally. Nearly $300, with tip. I  had to do it because I didn’t get groceries last month and I have no more drinks. I just hope I am not waiting all damn day for them like I did before and my cheese that I ordered is sliced to normal slice not blocks of cheese. I have no idea what I am going to do with the cheese that I have. It’s too thick to use and I don’t have a cheese slicer.

I have such a headache right now. I got a headache yesterday too. I know it’s because I am tired. I went to sleep after I had therapy yesterday. I got up around 5 I think. I had something to eat and then read for a bit before going back to sleep. I pretty much slept all night. I was up at 4am on Tues. and I didn’t go to bed till around 9. A long day for me. I did a lot of walking that day too. I am glad I slept late yesterday for therapy or I would have done more walking. I am surprised my therapist only gave me a half hour yesterday. I don’t know why. I am seeing her tomorrow morning though. I hope it is for 50 mins.