midnightdemons7

Up early again

I woke up probably between 5 and 530. I couldn’t get back to sleep. I had another difficult night. I managed a few hours of sleep. I had a weird dream and then my own snoring woke me up. It was hot in my room but the fan made it cold. I had to put socks on as my feet were freezing. They took forever to warm up and I had on thermal socks. Then my CRPS foot flared up and my back started hurting. I was debating taking a pain med but it keeps me up and I knew I wouldn’t sleep. I had to be somewhat alert for my party.

I got up and took my meds. Then had a cup of coffee. I don’t know what I want to eat. I am not really hungry but am thinking boiled eggs. I will have that after I write this blog. I finished a chapter in the trans book I am reading. It is a really good book. I might get copies for the trans clinic I go to. I don’t remember how much I paid for the book. I will have to look it up.

I sent an email to a friend that I have spoken to in a while. We have been email friends for more than 20 years. She lives in Mass but south of me. We try to visit one another at least once a year but lately it hasn’t been working out. The last time we saw each other was before the pandemic. She has moved a few times since then. I am not sure where she is now. I know she was by the commuter rail last time we chatted but I don’t know if that is still the case.

I am trying to stay up but I am tired. My foot still hurts. We are supposed to get snow on my birthday so I think that is why it is flared up. My headaches have also returned. I had a few days of relief with the steroids but I think the weather is fucking with me. I need to contact my pcp tomorrow as yesterday when I showered I felt a lump in my groin. I felt it before. It doesn’t hurt but it is kind of big. I don’t know if it is a hernia or what. I don’t see my pcp till the end of Jan so I rather deal with this now rather than later, before the semester starts.

My sister is in the kitchen doing god knows what. I hate when she is in there because she is always in my way. Think I will take a nap and then make something to eat.

Saturday Blog 20122025

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was tossing and turning. I was hot and cold. My feet were frozen so I had to put socks on. I just couldn’t get comfortable. My brain wouldn’t turn off and it was thinking about bugs and stuff. I think weird shit at night.

I got up around 1. I had some yogurt and a coffee and then my stomach got upset. I am going to have some cereal for dinner. I showered and trimmed my beard as it was getting all scraggly. My back flared up. I brushed my teeth. Someone put the heat on like 80 so my room was hot. I still have the fan on.

I have been feeling really sad past few days. Tomorrow I will be celebrating my birthday and I want to climb under a rock somewhere. Tues is my real birthday. I am so tired from the shower. I tried napping but my niece’s ex came home with the puppy and she was rambunctious. Still is, doing zoomies. She sounds like an elephant.

Here we go again

I finally managed a shower yesterday. And I am wearing my TNMT Pjs. They are nice and comfy. I might go to the store tomorrow with them on if it isn’t too cold out. I wanted to go to the store but I could barely stay awake. I put the white noise machine on and it made me so sleepy. It took forever for me to get to sleep during the night though. My brain was going and didn’t want to shut up.

I didn’t go out today because I was too sleepy. There was no heat in the house because we are having problems with the boiler. Hopefully it is fixable. I have been wearing layers. It is ok in my room. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain. I probably won’t go out. I really haven’t been out all week.

I’ve had a stomachache since I had something to eat. I had a turkey sandwich and some cookies. I also had a cup of coffee to try and warm up. It was cold in the kitchen so I made some sugar cookies. They didn’t come out right as I undercooked them. Oh well. I still ate them. Not a lot though as my stomach was hurting. I have been trying to drink water but it has been hard. I am getting close to finishing my bottle though. A little at a time.

I am very depressed that Congress passed a trans youth bill banning gender affirming care. Makes me so sick. Most surgeries do not happen to those under 18. It is ridiculous. I am so mad. And stupid anti-mental Health RFKjr is trying to take away counseling from them too. Asshole. Bunch of pedos sticking their business in children’s genitals.

My room smells like wet dry wall. I hate the smell. It’s because it is musty in my room. I am listening to Pearl Jam. I need to listen to it because I am so frustrated. Taylor doesn’t work when I am like this. I feel so invalid. I don’t know if the morons in Congress filed the bill that said there were only two sexes. I haven’t seen it. I will never be able to get my passport done if that does pass. I feel so stupid. I should have had this done a while ago but I didn’t have the damn money. Fuck. I feel like a non-citizen. In a country I was born in. I don’t think I can bring this up in therapy because Medicaid pays my copays. I hate my life right now. And no one understands. I am alone. Always alone.