midnightdemons7

One of the suicidologists I follow wrote this.

My psychiatrist got back to me late last night but I went to bed and wasn’t going to open the message. I woke up at 130 to pee and was up for a bit. I don’t know if I read the message then or not. But he said we’ll sort it out at the next appt. And I was like that is in fucking July!! So I called today to move up the appt. I see him Thurs. Asshole.

I haven’t done anything all day. I tried working on my paper and nothing was coming to me. I finished the book last night. I didn’t like the ending. Sums up my suicidality.

I never got my blood work done. I woke up at 11 or 12 and it was too late for me to get moving. I went back to sleep. I’ve been spending a lot of time in bed lately. That’s not like me. I don’t care. I was up till 5am or so. I was exhausted.

Sucky Monday

I had a good sleep but bad dreams. I dreamt my mother called me daughter in the dream at least three times. Then I was wearing a red and black wig while traveling on the train and got misgendered as a woman even though I had a beard. I kept saying I was a man. And I know I woke up from my mother’s dream saying don’t call me that. I woke myself up.

I talked with my pcp’s nurse. She is so nice and willing to talk to me whenever. I told her how bad things were getting. I messaged my psychiatrist but he hasn’t responded. I don’t see him till July.

I tried to do some school work but it wasn’t happening. I wanted to play with the puppy all day. I did get some notes in a word doc and of course, the app needed to update before I started working. I looked over my Italian and I just have the Quiz to do though what it is on, I am not sure. Apparently, the last class was Thursday so there isn’t class tomorrow. Yay! I will finish the book tonight so I can possibly start the paper tomorrow. I have some idea on what I will be writing.

I think tomorrow I am going to get my blood work done. It is driving me crazy that doctors and the NP doesn’t know how to order LFTs. There is a lot of duplicate orders. It bothers me. It cancels out though, I won’t get charged except for the ordered tests. I am so tired. I have been fighting a headache the last couple of hours. Wasn’t helped by the text fight I had with my sister. She seriously needs help and refuses to get it. She is so pathetic. Makes me so mad. Yet I go to therapy every week.

I told the nurse today I don’t know what I am going to do after this week. I got ideas going around my head. I might attempt or I might just go in the hospital. I haven’t decided on what I am going to do. I also told her I won’t know until sometime in June about financial aid. I am absolutely terrified about it. I was vague in the message to my psychiatrist. I know he is in the office tomorrow so maybe he will respond then.

I was listening to Pearl Jam today, their greatest hits album. I actually haven’t heard it in a long time. It was good hearing songs I forgot about. I mostly listen to Ten, VS, and Lightening Bolt when I am in a Pearl Jam mood.

Finally showered

I got up wicked late today. My med alarm went off at nine and I couldn’t get up. I had a decent sleep. I don’t remember if I got up to pee in the middle of the night. If I did, I went back to sleep after. I got up around 2 and had two cups of coffee. I didn’t eat anything. I wasn’t hungry yet.

I decided I had to do something about my mustache. But I had to get through my Italian. I did my Italian and then I was starving. It was around 5pm. I had some rotisserie chicken with some dressing. It was good. Then I used the bathroom. I trimmed my mustache and got in the shower. My sister came home from the cemetery. Bitch put on the cold vent and I froze. I had the hot water the perfect temp so it was hard to get out. I usually just take a quick shower but it had been so long since I last took one, I took my time.

I was out of breath and tired afterwards. But other than reading the last chapter in my book, I am pretty much caught up with homework. Tomorrow there will be more. I don’t know how much more. I know there is a quiz. I will work on it Thursday. Can’t believe the semester is finally over.

It’s been a hard day. I hate today more than any other holiday. I hated it before but now I triple hate it. Just sucks. I am so depressed. I am functioning but I am not. I am not taking care of myself. I am just eating and sleeping. I went almost two weeks without a shower. I went almost four days without brushing my teeth. I just couldn’t be bothered. I haven’t shaved so my goatee is messed up and my hair is too long to shave now. I will have to buzz it. I didn’t have time to do any of this because I knew if I did I probably wouldn’t shower. I just kept putting it off. I hate myself for doing it.

Saturday Blog 10052025

Today was a clusterfuck. There were events around my city. I was hoping to be up before the mayhem but I couldn’t get up. I got up at noon. Took my meds and it took me forever to brush my teeth. I pet the puppy who was happy to see me. She kept nuzzling her nose in my chest. I hadn’t seen her in like three days. Anyway, I finally brushed my teeth so I could leave the house with something washed. I haven’t had a shower in more than a week now. I will take one later tonight after I finish my Italian homework.

There was some traffic in the square and if I had looked to see what the time bus was before it left the station stop, I would have gotten off at the station. I decided to wait but the bus never came. I was so pissed off. I went in the Asian market and ended up paying ten bucks for two quarts of half and half just so I can have fucking coffee.

I just came home and omg there is some band trying to sing and they can’t fucking sing. I have never seen so many people in the streets. I was starving and luckily my brother in law brought up the rotisserie chicken that he had. I had half of a breast. I am going to see if my sister can make the yummy chicken salad she made the other day again. It was the bomb of chicken salads. I have no idea what she puts in it but it is so good.

I had a cup of coffee when I came home. It felt good to have something warm as I spent nearly an hour out in the cold. It’s warming now but I am still kind of cold. It’s cool in my room. Luckily the wind isn’t blowing or I think it would be colder. The sun finally came out and it stopped raining. I would have gone out yesterday but it was a cold, windy, rainy day. Not my kind of weather.

I still feel wicked depressed. I miss my mother. I hate mother’s day. I always hated it but now I hate it even more. I am so tired. I hope I can take a shower tonight. I think I will feel better, at least a little bit. I will shave and stuff tomorrow. I got one chapter left in my book and I should finish it by Tues. Can’t believe the semester is over. I should be done with everything by next Sunday. Soon as I finish the book, I will start my paper.

I just have therapy and seeing my DMH worker for appts. I don’t have any doctor appts until July. I have the bottom surgery consult then. I am on the fence on whether I am going to keep it or not. I have no idea when I can expect the surgery. I still have to get two letters done for it. I’m not sure it will change much just that I will feel more whole.