midnightdemons7

Behind your walls

I woke up in the middle of the night with my chest muscles hurting. I had been in the same position for several hours and it was not happy. I tried stretching it out and that made things worse. I was in so much pain.

I didn’t shower today. I didn’t get up till around 3pm or so. I had something to eat and then I did my Italian exam. I still need to do the homework. But I will do that tomorrow, unless I get some energy later tonight. I need to shave, too.

I went out to dinner with my sisters. It was nice. My younger sister is going to FL tomorrow for Mother’s day weekend. It will be warmer than here. We have a cold rain going on. I didn’t go out today to get my half and half. I will go tomorrow.

I am so tired. I have only been up a few hours. I hate when I get like this. I feel really depressed. I miss my mother. I had so many dreams about her this week. Sucks this weekend is Mother’s day. I think I will stay off social media as much as possible that day so I don’t have to deal with it.

I didn’t sleep yesterday and I got the shingles vaccine. My alarm went off and I fell back to sleep. I was so groggy. When I woke up, it was too late for class. I stayed in bed most of the day.

Around 3pm, despair hit and i was thinking about my plan. I just want to give up. I was expecting my pcp’s nurse to call as we missed each other yesterday but she didn’t. I didn’t feel like reaching out so didn’t call her.

It’s hot in my room for some reason. I don’t know if the fan is on or not. I don’t feel like getting up to find out. My head is hurting and I still feel groggy. I haven’t done shit all day. I’ve felt sick all day. I am out of half and half so will need to go out tomorrow. I still need to shower. I have no fucking energy for nothing.   I only had two cups of coffee and no other fluids today. Oh well.

I didn’t think I would have a blog this long. I’ve had it since 2013 or 2014. I’ve come a long way since those days. I was just thinking today about trans joy as I listened to Rob Thomas’ Someday. I wish I had more euphoric days but the depression is so bad right now. I am content with who I am and where I am in my transition. Hoping bottom surgery does more for me.

On my way to class, I got a migraine. I didn’t have my meds, just ibuprofen so took some. It took the edge off but then thunderstorms came in and my head exploded when I got home. I’ve been dealing with a migrainy headache the past few hours. I was up early. For some reason I seem to wake up at 4 on Tuesdays. I had breakfast and coffee. I also played with the puppy. She loves my affection.

Class was good. I need to submit notes for extra credit but my head is pounding me so will have to wait. I printed off some articles I want to read. I feel so depressed and suicidal. I picked a date. Maybe I won’t act. Maybe I will. I don’t know. I see my therapist tomorrow. I got a message saying it was virtual and it will have to be as I thought the appt was at 1 but it’s at 2 and I made an appt at 4. I don’t think I can be back home in time.

I’m pretty tired. I just finished off a pint of ice cream. Ben and Jerry’s fudge brownie. It had so many pieces of brownie. I love it when that happens. Sometimes there isn’t that much. I’ll probably go to bed early. My prof said that he gave us a pass for attendance last week. I’m glad because it was my 7th absence and it would deduct my grade. There are only 2 classes left in the semester. I am ahead in the reading for once. Thurs I need to do my Italian. I have a exam to do. Not sure if there is homework too. I got to check the module. Next week is the final quiz and then I’m done. I have between now and the 18th to write my Eng paper. I’ll probably get started on it over the weekend after I finish the Italian.