midnightdemons7

Drowning

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up for most of it. I don’t know why insomnia is back. Just when I thought my sleep was getting better. I feel so tired today. I wanted to go to the square to pick up my prescription but it’s out of stock even though I called the other day to make sure it was in stock and was told they had it. The other prescription I tried refilling and my insurance needs approval. WTF. I am so annoyed.

I had an appointment with the neuro NP. My headaches are getting better. I am having like 2 or 3 a week now instead of daily or every other day. I did wake up with a headache today but it didn’t amount to anything. I got to go for bloodwork tomorrow and then see a friend who is having chemo. I see neuro again in a few months. I tried to schedule the appointment today but the app wouldn’t let me.

I am so disappointed in my government. We are headed for a shut down, a bill was passed against trans kids in the military, and that fucking moron Musk needs to be deported before he does serious damage that we can’t recover from. He threatened the senate and house and they backed out of a plan for avoiding a government shutdown. I am so damn angry that this twit has this power. He blows shit up and doesn’t get reprimanded for it. His vehicles are a fire hazard and should be taken off the market. But I guess not enough people have died yet. And why not? A CEO gets murdered and the government cares more about him than the kids that were killed in Wisconsin. Priorities. And now they are after drones, like seriously? Country is headed for a shut down and your worried about drones?? I don’t fucking get it. I am so depressed and angry and anxious about all of this. I am worried I could be the next on the list with these people coming after trans people. I am glad I have a plan to opt out if they do.

I read today I think on Facebook that Jamie Lee Curtis is going to play Jessica Fletcher in the new Murder She Wrote movie. I wanted to call my mother and tell her. Stuff like this she would like. I love Curtis. I’ve had a crush on her since her Cagney and Lacy days. Sadly, while I was in my catatonic, psychotic days, there was this one Murder She Wrote episode that I swear my mother kept watching over and over again and it had meaning for me. I felt like the episode was trying to tell me something. I was so sick of hearing the same things over and over that my mother was watching in the living room and I was supposed to take a pill at like 7 but at 630 I bolted for my room because I couldn’t stand being around my mother and watching this episode again. It still freaks me out every time I see Murder She Wrote or Angela Lansbury. I am glad I am no longer that way.

Final finally over

I slept late because I went to bed late. I had a hard time sleeping. I had some weird dreams. I got up around 2 and then I had some coffee. I just had one cup. Then I went to my room to take the exam. It was the usual level of difficult. I had to use my notes to get things straight. There was some HPA thing I didn’t have in my notes so I probably got it wrong. After submitting, I emailed the professor to see if it went through. Then she sends an email saying she posted an exam extra credit.

I took a nap after the exam. I just feel really tired. I got a migraine yesterday and my head still hurts. My headaches are better. I am getting like 2 a week instead of every day. I see the neuro NP tomorrow. The new meds are helping. I take the new med tomorrow, if my pharmacy decided to fill it. They have been giving me problems. I just hope I don’t need another prior authorization for it.

I am going to bed soon. I am really tired.

Getting there

I had a very difficult time getting to sleep last night. I was almost up for 24 hours. I didn’t get to sleep till around 3am. I woke up sometime before my med alarm went off to pee and then I just went back to sleep after I took my meds. I didn’t get up till after 2pm. My sister called and told me she was making a gravy with zucchini and to be down to dinner around 530pm. I got up and had two cups of coffee. They were not peaceful as my sister was in the kitchen and she was bitching the whole time and talking to herself. After I had my coffee I went upstairs to my room to finish this paper.

I just read it over to see if it made sense and I added some stuff to it. I was off to research land again. I had so many tabs open with different articles. I don’t think I used any of them. After I was finished with it, I immediately submitted it to get it done. Now I just have to study for my exam.

My niece was over the house and started making French onion soup. The house smelled like onions. I have been sneezing all fucking day. My sister said I smelled like an old man. I needed to shower. After I had dinner I thought I would but I got lazy. I also ate too much. I had a little wine with dinner. It was good.

I have been feeling depressed most of the day. I have therapy tomorrow. I hate that I have to be up early. I hate that I still have vivid memories of the delusions and psychosis I was going through. It was a lot. Just weird that all the suicidality that I have felt for years is “gone” and it’s only sometimes it resurfaces. Like I think I can kill myself and just go through with it. Like what is really stopping me from doing it? I have psychache occasionally. It isn’t as bad as it was before. And since my top surgery, I don’t loathe myself as much. That doesn’t mean I like myself. Just that I constantly don’t hate myself every second of the day.

I need to go to sleep. Hopefully I won’t have weird dreams.