midnightdemons7

Was in my happy place today

I had my intake and they deadnamed me. I purposely sat there until they sorted out my right name and then the person apologized a few times. They need to update the damn system. The appointment went well. I went back to my hometown and was sad that so much has changed. Even the train station I got off at was HUGE compared to what I remember. The bus stop had changed place. There used to be multiple births but now there was just one central one for all the buses. I had just missed the one that would have been close to where I was going but it was ok. I walked like half a block. I did a LOT of walking today and my legs and sprained foot feel it.

I woke up before dawn. I tried to go back to sleep but just couldn’t. I was anxious that I wouldn’t get up when I needed to. I had my first cup of coffee around 0630. My bitchy sister told me the dishwasher had to be emptied. I don’t care. I am so tired. After my appointment, I went to the beach. I watched waves and the airplanes taking off. I forgot how much vibration the engines give off. I spent like a half hour just soaking in the place. It was so nice. I wish there was a place to sit as I would have stayed there all day. It was windy but nice. I miss smelling the salty air every morning.

On the way home, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some turkey and half and half. I asked my sister to pick me up as I knew walking back to the bus stop was going to be hard. I was getting winded and fatigue was starting to set in. I came home and make a turkey sandwich. I will make the burgers tonight for dinner. I rested and made another cup of coffee. I didn’t drink anything while I was out and was wicked thirsty. I had bought a vitamin water, which I noticed the price had doubled what it was a few years ago. They were having a “sale” but you had to spend like $5 in order to get 1 free. Screw that. I’ll just take my one bottle, thank you. When I finished eating, I noticed how fatigued my legs were. Going up the stairs was torture and of course soon as I was in my room, my bladder decided it needed to be emptied. Ugh.

I am debating on taking a nap or just staying up and going to bed early. The game is on at 1900 and the Celtics are playing game 5 in the finals. They are home, Sox are in Toronto. Allergies seem to be better today. It is hot though, in the 80s but no humidity, thankfully. The intake person told me it could be up to two months before I get an appointment with a therapist. Ugh. I knew there would be a wait. The good news is that they have prescribers now that are more accessible than they were before. I was thinking of changing my care to them and I might. I don’t like the two month time between my appointments with my psychiatrist. It just seems like too long.

Rested

I woke up before dawn to pee but was too lazy to get out of bed right away. I ended up being awake and having weird dreams before I got up to go. I don’t know what time it was because I didn’t charge my phone and it had shut off. I plugged it in and then slept in till around 11 or so. I took my meds and then had a sneeze attack. I have been sneezing on and off all day. I took some Benadryl and that has helped somewhat but it made me sluggish. I went to go make coffee and something to eat. I had taken some food home from the party yesterday and had that. I also took out the burgers I froze. I might have them tomorrow.

I read some of the library book I took out. I had another cup of coffee and the rest of the cookies I took home. It’s cooler today than it was yesterday. I sat on my deck to get some sun. I didn’t stay out too long because I can’t stand being hot. My phone caught the heat as it was really warm when I came in the house. I looked at the weather this week and the temps are going to reach 100 Thurs when I have to be in Boston for my four appointments. Hot and humid. Just lovely. Hope my pcp’s office AC is turned on by then. It was really warm when I was there not too long ago when our first heatwave hit.

Other than being stuffy today, I feel somewhat ok. I am worried about tomorrow’s appointment with intake. I fear them calling me my deadname. I will just walk out. This is the place that knew me before I transitioned. I just had another sneeze attack so I took some Flonase. OMG I don’t get why my allergies are so bad when it’s only medium pollen today. I fucking hate this. I keep blowing my nose.

I’m hungry again but I don’t think my burgers are thawed out yet. I really want ramen noodles but I don’t have any. I need to go to the grocery store to get more half and half so I will pick some up when I go, if I remember. Lot of good that does me now though.

Saturday Blog 15062024

I just came home from a family event. One of my aunts asked me inappropriate questions about me being trans. It got uncomfortable. Thankfully another aunt asked questions and she shut up. She is losing her mind and is prejudiced. I avoided her for a long time while she visited when my mother was sick. I don’t go to these events because I get uncomfortable after a while. I took some food to carry home. I froze the burgers that I had. I am utterly exhausted from being out the past couple of hours and just want to fucking cry.

I wasn’t planning on going. I usually don’t go to parties because I usually never get a card. I just don’t believe in paying five bucks for something that is just going to get thrown away. I just wanted to read today and maybe clean my room in between. Now I am so exhausted I don’t know if I am going to be up for the game. I just want to fucking cry and stupid T won’t let me. I hate that I feel things in extremes at times, like I am either feeling joy or sadness or nothing at all. But when I hurt like I am hurting now I can’t do a damn thing about it. My feet hurt, head hurts, heart hurts, and back is cramping. I hate being alive sometimes.

Hot and stormy

I woke up because my sister wanted to tell me she was self-cleaning the oven and that my niece’s boyfriend was home. I got up to make some coffee. I wasn’t on the porch too long before the heavens opened up and it was lightening and thunder. I luckily took the chair cushions in the house. My sister had recycle on the porch but I didn’t have time to take it in. oh well. It was like 1000 degrees in my kitchen. I brought my second cup of coffee to my room.

I was hungry but didn’t know what to eat. I decided I wanted burgers so I went to the Square. I had my prescription to pick up and a library book too. I walked in one big circle. I had just missed the bus going home so I had to wait a half hour. I thought about getting some Starbucks but I am low on funds. I have just enough for a drink and a sandwich Thurs. I want to eat the egg, potato, bacon, and sausage wrap before I donate my blood. I will be in Boston all afternoon that day as I have appointments.

I got a call from the therapy place. They used my deadname in their message and when I called to correct them, they blew me off. I was so pissed. I am glad I listened to the voicemail as the transcription of the message didn’t include the day or time of the appointment. It’s this Monday for intake. Fun. I just hope I am up in the morning.

So I got the book, No Right To An Honest Living by Jacqueline Jones. It is much bigger than I thought it would be. I hope I can finish it in two weeks but something tells me I am not. This is why I love owning my books. I tried getting this on Amazon but it wasn’t available. Even the few bookstores in my area didn’t have it. I might have to order it somewhere online where it is in stock. My former coworker did an interview with her.

The Sox game is in rain delay so I can start reading the book. I am tired even though I had a cup of coffee with dinner. I made two burgers. They were yummy. I will have a couple tomorrow, too.