midnightdemons7

Nothing particularly done today

I had a good sleep for once. I think my cold medicine finally allowed me some decent sleep. I had some weird dreams. Mostly about being in the ED and having my work badge on me for some reason. I kept on having the same dream over and over. I thought I would get up around noon but I slept later than that. I got up around 2. I was pissed to find that my breakfast was eaten. I had to make something else. I was not happy. Plus there was poop and pee in the kitchen which really ticked me off. One pee spot was dried and it took some effort to get it out, causing my back to hurt. This is why I don’t usually mop the floor. I would love to just bleach the floor but I don’t have the stamina to do so.

I played with the puppy after I had my coffee. Her toy came so I gave it to her. She has been chewing it all afternoon. She gagged herself with it and I went downstairs to make sure she was ok. The toy was still in one piece so that was good. I thought she was choking on a piece she bit off. I have a treat for her I will give tomorrow.

I went back upstairs to my room. I tried clearing off the bed but I didn’t have the energy. I tried working on the extra credit question but got no where. I finally answered after thinking about it for a few days. I had a lot of thoughts about it but it sickens me to write about it. I hate being white sometimes. I found myself staring at the wall for a few minutes. Maybe more than a few. The plan was to do the question, write my blog, then shower. I think I am going to have ice cream first and then shower. I don’t know what I am going to wear. I usually think of something to change into to help motivate me to shower. Maybe my Sox PJs. I don’t care about the Tshirt. I just grab whatever is handy. I think I have another trans shirt I can wear. I have to see. Last night I took my shirt off to take a pic of my top surgery and there was a ton of back hair on my shirt. I feel like I am shedding or something. Now I know where the hair comes from on my bed.

I still got this cold though my throat is starting to be sore from clearing it all the time. This morning it was so dry. Had to drink a lot to get the sensation to go away. Tomorrow I am going to vote, which means taking a lot of buses because I can’t go up the one street that goes to city hall. It is a monster of a hill/hike. It is the same street that has the T station on it that I will walk to. Thursday looks to be raining and I need to go to Boston to see my pcp for a follow up for the weight loss drug. I hope I will be down a few more pounds. If I can be below 200 I will be happy.

You’re taking me out

I am absolutely in love with the song “Ordinary”. I have listened to it on repeat so many times. Such a good song.

I was up during the night, had to pee, and couldn’t go back to sleep. Then my sister got up and omg she was making so much noise. I thought she would be going to work but I forgot it is Sunday. Finally she stopped making so much noise and I was able to sleep until my med alarm went off. I didn’t get up. I kept having weird dreams. Then I had to pee and I was up around 2. My niece texted me saying she was here so I brushed my teeth and then made a cup of coffee. I went downstairs to watch the rest of the Pats game. They were killing the Browns and just scored a touchdown when I came in. My brother in law made burgers so I had one. After the game I went upstairs to do some work.

I read what the question was and also the article that was required. I didn’t like the article. It was about racism in intelligence tests and it just went on and on about it. I didn’t finish reading the article. Now I got to come up with some Darwinian argument for Western civilization something. Only problem is I think I remember reading Darwin was racist in his ways but I don’t remember where I read that. Or if that is true.

I am so tired. These night of staying up and then sleeping in the morning are getting to me. In the afternoon I get sort of crazy restlessness where being in my own skin bothers me and I have to move to keep from feeling this way. I don’t know if it is anxiety or something else. I counted out pills last night and almost took them. I looked at them and just put them back in the bottle. I just messaged my psychiatrist about this. I don’t know maybe the sleep and the stress of home and school are causing this. I know next semester is going to be harder. I am almost done with my requirement classes. I think I have like two or three left. Then I just have to take two or three elective classes. I am getting there but it is so painful.

Saturday Blog 25102025

I woke up at 245am to pee and then had an insight into my final paper. I had to write it down so I wrote a paragraph and then an outline for it. I sent it to my professor to see if it was what she is looking and it’s not. So I am back to square one. She did give me the go ahead to do a historical search on suicide, which was nice. I just finished “Definition of Suicide” by Shneidman so that helps.

I couldn’t go back to sleep so I read for about an hour and a half. Tried going back to sleep and failed. I just laid down. I forgot I set my alarm because my pharmacy order was to be delivered in the morning and I wanted to be up. I didn’t get up. I got a notification the meds were delivered. I was surprised it was delivered without a handoff. Usually you have to physically accept it.

I have been playing my game most of the day and doomscrolling the chaos that is the US. I ordered a bone for my puppy and she devoured it in like 20 mins. It was totally disintegrated. Kept her quiet for a little while. I still have treats for her. I give her like handfuls at a time because they are so small. I didn’t realize how mini they were.

I have done nothing since this morning for school work and I need to start my group paper. I also need to shower. I think it will feel good to shower. I still have this cold. But the cough is gone. I just have a runny nose. I feel so tired. I think I will nap and then shower. I don’t know what I am going to do for dinner. I had uncrustables with my coffee. I ordered them when I got my Gatorade. They are good. I just hope no one in my family eats them. My ramen noodles are gone and I am not happy about that. I want to get some chicken breast to make a chicken dish. I just don’t know what to make. I need to get ground beef because I wanted Sloppy Joes the other day and wasn’t able to find them in the store. Now I want Sloppy Joes. If I make the chicken and the beef, I will have some meals for at least a week.

I got a headache. I am really feeling exhausted. I had a slight urge to do something but haven’t moved. I need to refill my water bottle. Last night while I was up, I was wicked thirsty. I hope I can do the two things I need to for my class for credit and extra credit. I hope to do that later tonight or tomorrow.

Always something

I got into a really rotten mood last night. I was restless and felt like I had to do something. A friend said to write but I didn’t feel like writing. I did what my mind wanted me to. Now I am one step closer to my plan than before.

I had a good sleep and woke up around 8 to take my meds. I stayed in bed for a couple of hours and then got up around noon. I checked to see if my migraine med was ready and it was not so I just made coffee. I didn’t have anything with it and I didn’t feel like cooking. My cold is slowly getting better. I think it is because I am resting so much.

I ordered some gatorades and some chamomile tea. I also got an ice cream because I have been craving it. I shoved everything into my freezer but it wouldn’t close so I had to take the stuff out of the box. Oh well.

My niece came home and told me our outdoor cat that has been living with us for at least 10 years has cancer. I don’t know how much longer she has. I feel bad for my other niece who has been taking care of her all this time.

I had my zoom meeting last night with my group. Someone picked the thing I had wanted so I had to pick something else. I will research it this weekend. I still need to do the thing for the week and the extra credit. It should be easy. I just have to get my ass to read chapter 10. I have been reading in the evening before bed and that has been working out because then it makes me sleepy and I can go right to sleep afterwards (usually).

I weighed myself today. I am 203.4 so lost 3 lbs since last week. I am going to try and eat less this week. I really want to go below 200 within the next few weeks. I will be going on a higher dose of the weight loss drug next week. Other than heartburn, I haven’t had too much stomach trouble. My gallbladder pain has calmed down a lot this week. I hope it stays calmed down.

Last night I was thinking of my mother. She would start baking next week in anticipation of my sister’s birthday, and the coming birthdays. November is birthday month. A lot of people were born more in this month than any other. I hate it because it means seeing family more and then you got Turkey day and that brings it’s own set of troubles. I thought I was going to be able to spend Turkey day with my friend but she won’t be in town. I still don’t know what the plan is for my family. They had talked about going to Maine for the weekend. I don’t want to go that far. I rather stay close to home. Last year we went over my aunt’s. It was nice. We were all missing my mother. I missed her stuffing and chocolate chip cookies. And her biscottis. Those were so good. I would have a few of them for breakfast some times. I should learn how to make it but you have to roll out the dough and I hate that part of recipe.

Another weekend. Monday I think I will return the library books that I borrowed. I got to vote next week, in person, because I didn’t get my mail in ballot. I don’t know why I didn’t get it. But I hear the voting board has been messed up this year. A lot of people didn’t get their ballots.