midnightdemons7

I woke up before 9 and stayed up. I had to make the chicken casserole dish and I knew it was going to take me a couple hours. I had coffee and a corn muffin. Then I made a real cup of coffee. I had a Starbucks mocha with the corn muffin but needed a real coffee afterwards. After I had my coffee I boiled the chicken. And when it was cooling, I made the rice. I tried to find my 9×13 dish but couldn’t find it so used a smaller pan. It would only fit one bag of rice. Then it was time for therapy so I went to my room.

Therapy went ok. I came close to disclosing I was trans but I didn’t. I caught myself. We were talking about the weight loss drug and how I don’t like my body. Since top surgery I really can see how fat I am and it bothers me so much. She asked how much weight I plan on losing and I said between 45 and 50 pounds. I know someone who lost 90 pounds but that much would put me underweight or close to it. I am big but not that big. We talked about my anxiety of getting the exam over with. I plan on reading one thing today as a catch up reading.

After therapy, I made the final ingredient, the broccoli. While that was cooking i shredded the chicken and mixed up the sour cream and mayo mix with cheese. I put it in the oven and then played with the puppy. I washed some things. But I was feeling pretty tired. When it was done, I went up to my room to relax and let the casserole cool down. I tried taking a nap but got a wicked headache so bad I almost cried. Sounds were annoying me. I am headed toward a migraine so took something for it. I got up when my sister texted me. Her text sound was so fucking loud. It scared me so that was the end of trying to nap.

My niece was home for little bit. The puppy was happy but got whiney after she left for school. I’m just second news to her. I let her be. I had some of the casserole. It was good. But I didn’t have a lot as I was full off the rice, broccoli, and little bits of chicken I ate. Small meals seem to fill me lately. I have to drink more water when I get back to my room. I haven’t been good with drinking fluids today.

I need to shower but I’ll do that tomorrow. I see my psychiatrist. I am going to ask him to see if we can increase the Effexor. My mood has sucked the past week. I told my therapist today I will be meeting my DMH worker this week. It is busy. I still need to go to the Square to pick up my meds. I also want to go to the library to get that book I want to read so bad. I need something fun. Last night I rented Lincoln because I couldn’t play the DVD. I love that movie. Sally Field did such a great performance.

You kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath

I woke up early. I don’t know what time because I didn’t look at my phone. I can’t remember if I had to pee but probably had to. I couldn’t get back to sleep. Then the construction people started and the workers were yelling in Spanish or some language. It was going to be a long day. My sister sent me a text. I didn’t read it until my med alarm went off an half hour later. She was going to take me shopping. I didn’t have coffee, I just brushed my teeth and got dressed. The store went fine. They didn’t have my soup that I love. I got the ingredients for the broccoli chicken rice casserole but forgot the shredded cheese. I almost forgot the sour cream too but I remembered after I got the chicken. I paid for my things and waited for my sister who was still shopping. I went out one door and she went out the other. I met her at the car after she called me.

I had a cup of coffee when I got home. I was cleaning the filter contraption and one of the clips broke. I had to buy a new one so I made the coffee at my sister’s. I didn’t eat anything but I felt really full. After I finished my coffee, I went up to study some. I went over the questions in the discussion. I wasn’t really focusing. I bookmarked the guy we were supposed to know. I will do more tomorrow. I might write down the question answers tomorrow so I know them.

I realized I forgot water so I bought water and a few other things. I got some more Powerade at the grocery store as I wasn’t having luck getting it delivered. I just got five bottles of my favorite flavors. When I ordered the water, I ordered five more. I also got some Starbucks drinks because I have been craving them. I miss not having a store near me. But they are on strike so I really don’t want to buy from them until the workers get what they deserve.

I realized today my tastes and my niece’s ex are the same. I thought it was my sister that was eating my cheese but it wasn’t. I made a chicken sandwich and then went downstairs with eggnog, alcoholic and non, to my sister’s as she was decorating her tree. I got drunk pretty quickly as the alcoholic eggnog was strong. She then made dinner and my stomach is so full right now that I know I am going to be up in the middle of the night with a belly ache and reflux. I am so tired. I am listening to Taylor. I was listening to Thomas Rhett as he posted some videos on his Fenway concert on YouTube. I have some of his albums. I thought I had all but there are like three or four I don’t have. I don’t have the money to get them all. Luke Combs is coming out with new music soon and I rather get his music as I do have all but one of his albums. I just got to figure out which one I am missing.

Still depressed and down

I woke up a few minutes before my med alarm would go off. I took my meds and used the bathroom. Then I went back to sleep. I didn’t want to do anything today. There was dog poop in the kitchen when I went downstairs. I wasn’t going to clean it up.

My sister called me about 1ish. I decided to get up. The poop was still in the kitchen. I made my coffee. Her daddy was in the bathroom so I waited till he was out to tell him to pick it up. It was freezing outside. I don’t think the temps got above 18 today. I had one cup of coffee. I wasn’t hungry and I really wasn’t thirsty. I took my weight when I got back to my room. I lost a little.

I went back to bed. I didn’t want to do a damn thing today. I submitted the questions early in the morning as I couldn’t sleep. I read for a bit till 3am. I was tired and stressed out. I decided to order some half and half as I didn’t get it yesterday. I also tried to order some more Powerade. The things I wanted most were not available. I was so upset. But I got chocolate chip cookies which were good. I made a chicken sandwich and then had some cookies. I finished off the container of dates with my coffee.

I’ve mostly been in bed today. I tried to sleep but didn’t really succeed. Tomorrow when I go grocery shopping I will pick up the stuff I need for the chicken broccoli casserole I like. I haven’t made it in a while and it will be good for a few days. I got such a headache. This is like the sixth day in a row I have had a headache. I don’t know if it is because I am not hydrating enough or what. I have been sneezing my head off so my congestion hasn’t helped.