midnightdemons7

Sunday Blues

I took a trazodone last night because the past few nights have been difficult. I slept through the night and most of the day. I didn’t get up till 11 when my bladder was close to bursting. I was dreaming I was on the toilet but for some reason, I couldn’t pee and then I woke up. I am glad I didn’t pee in my dream or my bed would be wet.

I took my meds and checked my messages. Then I played on my phone. I had a few goals today and it was supposed to be reading my studies. I ended up hearing the lectures for the week and became unmotivated to read. I also had to shave and shower. I did both of those. I had leftovers for supper. It wasn’t many calories as it was sweet potatoes. My sister made them and I don’t know what she used but they were very peppery tasting. I usually roast them as is. I like things plain. She scooped my butternut squash and had to put some green topping on it. I wanted to kill her.

I was glad to finally trim my mustache as the hairs were irritating my nose. I have been feeling so shitty lately. I feel tired all the time. I don’t sleep well. My appetite is finicky. I feel worthless most of the time. Not to mention the shame and guilt I feel nearly every day. I don’t even know why I feel guilty most of the time. It’s just there.

I have therapy tomorrow. Not sure what I will talk about. I never really have an idea. Lately she just has been asking questions so it has been easier to talk. I did my meds today and the magnesium softgels I bought are huge. They are much bigger than what I was expecting. I had to buy them at the pharmacy because I couldn’t order my usual ones. They were too expensive. I will order them when I get paid later this week. They are on sale at Vitamin Shoppe. The prices have gone up there since I last ordered from them. Even my vitamin D is more expensive.

In addition to the textbook, I have three articles I need to read. One is 14 pages, another 9, and the last one (recommended) is 13. This week is study week as we will be getting a study guide on what the exam will be. I really hope we don’t have to work in groups again. I have to write about one of the articles for the discussion for the week. I will get that out of the way tomorrow. If I can’t sleep during the night, I usually read the textbook as it keeps me off my laptop and phone. I don’t have a book that is not clinical right now. I have a trans book I have been meaning to read but reading about trans kids is hard for me. I know what they are going through. I wish I had the courage they had to come out at their age. I think I would have been happier sooner. It just sucks that my mother’s death is complicating my trans joy for top surgery. I still feel the grief. And the memories of that week she passed and I was recovering. She took a turn for the worse toward the weekend and died exactly a week after my surgery. Such a difficult time.

Slow day

I had a rough night sleeping last night so I slept kind of late. I just couldn’t get to sleep. I was reading my textbook and sneezing my head off. I finally took a Benadryl and was able to sleep but then my bladder kept me up like every two hours. It was not a good night.

I had breakfast of pumpkin pie and a yogurt. I only had one cup of coffee. I restarted the weight loss drug and so far I don’t have any side effects. I had leftovers for supper, turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes that someone ate. I was not happy with that. I also had some of the cheese thing my sister made. It was so good.

I went back to my room and went through email. My inbox was almost reaching 200 unread emails so I went through them. Some of them were old and could be deleted. Others I just filed in their folder. I went down to 94. I had to stop because I got bored. I then took a nap and didn’t get until 630pm. I need to shower and shave but I have no energy. I am supposed to go over my cousin’s tomorrow for the OSU game. I need to shower at least. Maybe I will after this blog.

I called my cousin and he has the flu. I won’t be near him anytime soon. I don’t remember if I talked to him yesterday or not. I think I did. He was ok then. Weird how viruses can come on so quickly. My niece was getting over a cold. I have been lucky so far that I haven’t been sick. But then I rarely leave the house and I always wash my hands when I get home.

I am tired. I was going to read one of my psych things but I don’t think I have the stamina for it. If the shower wakes me up, maybe I will read some of it. It is 13 pages. I don’t know why the articles are so fucking long. Just hope it reads better than Freud.

Thanksgiving 2025

Happy Thanksgiving to those that celebrate. I had a good time with family. There was a lot of my favorite foods. My sister made a good cheese snack thing. I made butternut squash. It was good and I think I was the only one that ate it. My sister roasted the squash that my cousin gave us. I don’t really like butternut squash roasted. I had a slice of pumpkin pie and that was it. I can’t eat anymore.

I had a horrible time sleeping. I kept waking up to pee and had weird dreams in between voids. I didn’t get up till 12 when my sister asked if I was going to make the squash. I wanted to get up around 11 but I was so sleepy. I got sleepier after I ate. I wanted to nap but haven’t yet.

This was the puppy’s first Thanksgiving and she loved smelling all the food. She got some turkey and sweet potatoes. My niece let her roam the yard until my sister scared her with her screen door. Then she wanted to go upstairs. She is so skittish. Definitely not a protector dog.

I took my blood pressure because it has been a few days since I last took it. It was high. I can’t wait to go back on my blood pressure meds to lower it. Tues I am supposed to get a call from nursing about it.

I managed to have two cups of coffee while the squash was cooking. I wish I had some cookies to eat with it but I am glad I didn’t because by the time the squash was done, it was time to go downstairs for the main feast. There was so much food we didn’t have a place to keep it all. My sister made two pans of stuffed shells but we only went through one. I will have them tomorrow for lunch. There wasn’t much turkey leftover. It was a small bird.

I got to do some reading tonight. I am going to rest my head for a little bit and then read the textbook. I got to get through it so I can move on to the next set of readings.