midnightdemons7

Tired and cranky

I had weird dreams last night. I don’t know why I keep dreaming of being on a psych ward but I do. My med alarm went off and I didn’t get up. I stayed in bed till after noon then got up. I didn’t feel like getting up before noon. I had my coffee and a yogurt. Then I had some pepperoni and crackers.

I went back up to my room to read. I read about a page and then I was inundated with texts. My niece wanted me to unlock the door for her ex to let the dog in. So I went downstairs and unlocked the door. Someone came home and locked it so by the time he showed his ass, it was locked and I had to go downstairs again to open it. I was tired going up and down the stairs. I opened the door and he wasn’t there. Fucking jerk. Probably off smoking pot.

I went back to my room but I couldn’t concentrate on the reading. I will get back to it later. I need to shower. I think I will do that before bed. Tomorrow my sister is going to take me to the grocery store. I am not sure what I am going to get for $20. I need half and half. Maybe another thing of yogurt as I had the last one. I want to get another chicken pot pie soup as that was so good. I also need to get squash for Thursday. I think I am going to get the frozen kind if they have it.

I got a headache. I took some Excedrin and that helped. I have been trying to increase my fluids. My blood pressure is still on the high side. I am keeping track of it. I called to see if the weight loss drug would be ready but they haven’t received the prior auth from my pcp’s office. I know they are short right now so I am going to wait till Monday to ask the status. I don’t know why I need another prior authorization because they approved it already.

I had some soup for dinner. I thought it was the chicken pot pie one but it wasn’t and I was disappointed. It was still good as it had dumplings in it. It was filling. It is definitely soup season with the temps being in the 30s. I haven’t really left my house since Tues. Every since they closed my Starbucks, I haven’t found a reason to leave unless I have to pick up my meds. Mon I will probably have to leave the house to do so because my migraine med should be ready. I get paid Mon. I am hoping I have enough to get the migraine med and weight loss drug. Each cost $40. I hope I don’t have to pay more next year.

Feel like shit

I slept most of the day yesterday and half the day today. I just felt like shit. I got up to have my coffee and breakfast. The puppy was here so I petted her. She was interested in my breakfast but lost interest.

I shaved after my coffee and brushed my teeth. I wanted to shower but didn’t. I will tomorrow. I went up to my room and took my textbook out. I have a lot of reading to do. I read half a chapter and then I had to stop as I was getting sleepy. I made something to eat.

I was still full from lunch so really didn’t have supper. Going to try and read some more to finish the chapter. I think there are like 10 pages left. I can’t believe there is just three weeks left in the semester.

I feel depressed. I want to act on my suicidal tendencies. I feel like suicide is a disease even though it’s not. I am so tired of fighting it all the time. It gets exhausting. I wish every night that I don’t wake up in the morning. The depression is bad. They say you have to want change in order for therapy to work. What am I supposed to change? I want to die. I hate living. I don’t even know why anymore. Used to be because I was in a lot of mental pain, a lot of psychache. I feel useless. Just feel like a failure.

Things I didn’t do today

I slept for most of the day so I didn’t do anything. I feel pretty well rested. I did get up around noon to have coffee and breakfast. I made sliders for supper. I have been trying to drink but it is slow going.

I didn’t do any school work. I am taking the day off from my studies. I didn’t go to the grocery store. I just couldn’t get out of bed today. The puppy was home. She took a dump upstairs when I was eating breakfast. Her daddy never cleaned up the mess and I am so mad at him.

My blood pressure is still high, though not too high. I got to remember to take it. I don’t need to take it every day but do need to take it every other day or so. I also need to write down the readings.

I didn’t brush my teeth yet. I probably will before bed. Tomorrow I will need to shave again. My beard feels like sandpaper. I wish I could get my face smooth but it’s so hard. My beard never stops growing.

Tomorrow I will go back to doing school work. I am not going to do anything today but rest. I think I’ve earned it.