midnightdemons7

I’m feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed. I got my groceries today and my sisters judged me for it. I needed my drinks and going to the store to lug them is just hard. Plus you can only get so many at once. I haven’t found my tuna yet. There are some bags that need to go on the porch but it’s blocked by the dog crate so I can’t access it. I got an email today saying my insurance is overdue but I know I paid it on Thursday. I think the fricken holiday is messing with me. I’ll have to wait till Monday for things to clear.

Apparently I’m watching the puppy again. Dad came home and dropped her off then left. Didn’t say anything to me or my sister. I am not happy about this.

I never showered last night and I am mad at myself. I fell asleep and then was up most of the night. I got really thirsty and drank a lot which meant having to use the bathroom in a few hours. I just couldn’t sleep. I was cold then hot. I didn’t know if I wanted the blankets on me or off me. I just couldn’t get comfortable. Then I started sneezing. Fucking allergies man. I seriously thought of taking a shower at 3am. But I would hate to wake someone so I didn’t.

I just want to die and I don’t even know why. I just feel so mad and i don’t even know exactly what I am mad at. A few or a lot of things sure. My sisters yes. My finances yes. The delivery guy that took forever to empty the stuff and was rude yes. Idk if I am making sense. List of grievances. I haven’t been able to get any puppy pics because she has been hiding under the bed.

I keep thinking about my plan and yet I am reading this CBT book that is giving me ideas of how to help myself when I go back to therapy this week. I’ve been taking notes. I just got to write them up as it’s on a piece of mail. I usually have notebooks on my bed but since I haven’t been writing, I haven’t put any on my bed. So it’s just whatever is handy. I think i am going to write a review of the book. I just have two chapters to go before I am done. I should finish it by tomorrow.

I am going to shower now and use the body wash I bought for the hospital so I smell nice. Need to brush my teeth too. Then I’ll make a potato salad. I haven’t eaten anything all day.

4^th of July 2025

I cannot be happy this fourth of July because of who is in office. This country is more like an oligarchy than a democracy. It is run by white men who think they are better than everyone and are rich fucks who don’t give a damn except for themselves and other rich white men. I am disgusted to be an American.

I didn’t sleep last night. I was up half the night. I read for a bit as I couldn’t get into my game. I started taking notes on what I was reading and that got my brain awake. It took forever for me to get to sleep. I bought two of my textbooks for the fall. Next month I will get the other two that I need. I got up after 1pm. I had two cups of coffee and half a burrito that I found in the fridge. I made potatoes but didn’t do anything with them. I wanted to make an Italian potato salad. I need to cut the potatoes and season them. They are cooling in the fridge. I had the rest of the burrito and then some ice cream that was very good with another cup of coffee. I was watching the puppy but she kept going under the bed again. She came home with my niece and did zoomies and then went under the bed. My niece coaxed her out with some food. She ate some of her food then went back under the bed. She hates me when her parents aren’t home. She is on the bed now. I let her be. I told her her daddy is on his way home.

After having my coffee, I brushed my teeth and shaved my head. I still need to shower. I probably will before bed. I didn’t have the energy to take one yesterday. Sox played an early day game so there is no game tonight. I am tired. I am sick of being tired every day. I never wake up feeling energized unless it’s like after midnight. I might go out tomorrow. I haven’t left the house all week. I still want to go to Starbucks and have a latte.

The House pass the big ugly bill. Now will be a rough time for Healthcare. Everything has gone to shit. I’m just biding my time. I got an email from UMB. I got financial aid for the fall. I turned down some loans they gave me. I don’t know if what they gave is for a semester or year. I’m only taking two classes though in Spring I might try to take three so I can graduate in 2027.

I’ve had a headache for most of the day. It’s been really hot. I ordered chicken wings for dinner and the place didn’t have them. So I had mozzarella sticks and fries. I am expected a refund on the wings. I’ve been watching the puppy though she mostly has been staying under the bed. I went down to check on her and she was on the bed but after I gave her some.pats, she went back under. She hasn’t used the bathroom as far as I can tell. I tried to get her on the porch and I didn’t realize the gate was open. She went downstairs. I’m thankful she didn’t take off on me. I was barefoot so it wasn’t like I could run after her. Scared me tho. We sat on the front porch for a bit. Then she went upstairs and under the bed she went.

My family is at my cousin’s for the annual BBQ. It’s an all day affair and I can’t take it. I like to be there for a few hours and then go home. But I don’t have a ride and they don’t exactly live close to the T so I am at the mercy of my sister. So I don’t go. I have a huge headache. The survey changed time and the first one was at 7am. Sucks. I’m never doing a study like this again. It is so draining.

Sox are off today. They will be in DC tomorrow playing the Nationals then be back to Boston midweek. I haven’t decided if I am going to go see my DMH case worker in person or not. I might just to get out of the house. That will be next week.

Muggy day

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I finally read something and settled down. It was after 3 am though. I took my meds when the med alarm went off and then went back to sleep. I kept an ear out for the survey chime. It didn’t come till around noon. I sort of snoozed after taking it. My sister texted me around 2 asking for something so I got up. I had coffee first. Then I got what she needed and brought it downstairs. She made some cauliflower and beans and rice. I had a little of it. I wasn’t too hungry. After I finished my coffee, I had to go back upstairs to make another one. Today was going to be more than one cup day.

No one is home. The house is so hot. I managed to brush my teeth and shave my head. I missed a spot near my ear so I will have to get it the next time I go to the bathroom. I was sweating so took off my tshirt. Despite me shaving my armpits and showering yesterday, I still smell. I don’t care. No one is around me. My suicidality has been flitting in and out the past few days. I keep thinking about my plan. I’ve been thinking of putting the pills I want to take in a container so I don’t have to count them out. Just so they will be ready. I haven’t done this. It will be one step closer and I don’t want to be that close.

I have been feeling down all day and I have been trying to stay off the news. Terrible things are happening now and I just can’t stand it. I asked the study people if the surveys can come before midnight. It is really affecting my sleep having to wait for the last survey to come in. Sometimes I can sleep but most times I snooze and then I wake up and it is over for me. I am up several hours. And it takes forever to get back to sleep.

My psychiatrist’s office is supposed to call me to move up my appt but they haven’t yet. If I don’t hear from them tomorrow, I will call. I have been having some shaking while eating and not sure why. Also my legs shake, too sometimes. I notice my arm does when I try and go to sleep. I think I am sleeping on a nerve. I usually have to move it around some to find a spot that it doesn’t shake. I am going to try and go out tomorrow. My cousin is having a cookout but it is literally an all day affair and I hate it because I just get bored. After a few hours, I just want to go home and won’t be able to. I just want to go to Starbucks and have a latte then come home and order chicken wings. I might order a bunch of food. They have mozz sticks and mac and cheese bites. Sounds really yummy. And their fries are so good. It will last me until I can order my groceries on Saturday.

I have three appts next week, two in person. I will be able to get out of the house. I am still not sure how I am going to get to see the bottom surgeon consult. I usually go to my hospital in Boston and take the shuttle to the other hospital and then walk up the street to the building. It isn’t far. I don’t know if there is a bus that goes near that area. One probably does but I don’t know it and the Sox are in town so streets will be closed. It will be a ton of traffic. I will leave around 1130 so I can be there early. There is a Starbucks there, or there was anyway. I just hope the appt goes the way I want it.