midnightdemons7

I didn’t think I would have a blog this long. I’ve had it since 2013 or 2014. I’ve come a long way since those days. I was just thinking today about trans joy as I listened to Rob Thomas’ Someday. I wish I had more euphoric days but the depression is so bad right now. I am content with who I am and where I am in my transition. Hoping bottom surgery does more for me.

On my way to class, I got a migraine. I didn’t have my meds, just ibuprofen so took some. It took the edge off but then thunderstorms came in and my head exploded when I got home. I’ve been dealing with a migrainy headache the past few hours. I was up early. For some reason I seem to wake up at 4 on Tuesdays. I had breakfast and coffee. I also played with the puppy. She loves my affection.

Class was good. I need to submit notes for extra credit but my head is pounding me so will have to wait. I printed off some articles I want to read. I feel so depressed and suicidal. I picked a date. Maybe I won’t act. Maybe I will. I don’t know. I see my therapist tomorrow. I got a message saying it was virtual and it will have to be as I thought the appt was at 1 but it’s at 2 and I made an appt at 4. I don’t think I can be back home in time.

I’m pretty tired. I just finished off a pint of ice cream. Ben and Jerry’s fudge brownie. It had so many pieces of brownie. I love it when that happens. Sometimes there isn’t that much. I’ll probably go to bed early. My prof said that he gave us a pass for attendance last week. I’m glad because it was my 7th absence and it would deduct my grade. There are only 2 classes left in the semester. I am ahead in the reading for once. Thurs I need to do my Italian. I have a exam to do. Not sure if there is homework too. I got to check the module. Next week is the final quiz and then I’m done. I have between now and the 18th to write my Eng paper. I’ll probably get started on it over the weekend after I finish the Italian.

Downer day

I have been down most of the day. I had a weird dream that kind of made me sad. I had a dream about my mother. She was dying and then she came around and lived. It was happy. Then I got put in the psych hospital. I was wondering around. I was supposed to eat but I didn’t. then I was in the nurse’s station to get my meds but no one was there. It was pretty strange dream and felt real. I kept saying it was a dream but I couldn’t get myself to wake up from it. I had a hard time getting up.

I had a cup of coffee and played with the puppy. I didn’t eat anything. I had therapy and told her about the dream and the suicide study. I told her how I was “actively” suicidal but she didn’t seem to do anything about it. I had lunch afterwards.

My grade for my English paper came in today. I got an A. I couldn’t believe it. I thought for sure I was going to get a C. I got to submit some extra credit stuff soon or it will be too late. I got to go to class this week or my grade is going to suffer.

I sent a message to my PCP today saying I wasn’t going to the functional program she referred me to. It wasn’t going to help the weariness of the depression. I wasn’t going to suddenly become active. Who are you kidding? I live a sedentary lifestyle so I get short of breath when I walk. I don’t care anymore. Nothing matters.

Hotter weather is already driving me crazy

It’s only been like two days but the weather is warmer and I hate it. I am sweating and I can’t get comfortable in bed. I woke up at 2 to pee and was up the rest of the night. I ended up reading my book for a bit. I read like two chapters. Then I slept most of the day. I didn’t want to get out of bed. There was nothing really for me to do anyway aside from reading my book.

I have been in a mood the last few hours. Psychache is up. I just feel so depressed. I can’t even put my thoughts to words anymore. I am so tired all the time.

I have therapy tomorrow. I am going to try and send her an email saying that I am actively suicidal but I don’t know if I will or not. I don’t see what the point of it will be.

I had ice cream for dinner. I didn’t want anything else. It is all I have eaten today. I just had one cup of coffee. But I drank powerade throughout the night. I just have an opposite schedule.