downer day

Downer day

I have been down most of the day. I had a weird dream that kind of made me sad. I had a dream about my mother. She was dying and then she came around and lived. It was happy. Then I got put in the psych hospital. I was wondering around. I was supposed to eat but I didn’t. then I was in the nurse’s station to get my meds but no one was there. It was pretty strange dream and felt real. I kept saying it was a dream but I couldn’t get myself to wake up from it. I had a hard time getting up.

I had a cup of coffee and played with the puppy. I didn’t eat anything. I had therapy and told her about the dream and the suicide study. I told her how I was “actively” suicidal but she didn’t seem to do anything about it. I had lunch afterwards.

My grade for my English paper came in today. I got an A. I couldn’t believe it. I thought for sure I was going to get a C. I got to submit some extra credit stuff soon or it will be too late. I got to go to class this week or my grade is going to suffer.

I sent a message to my PCP today saying I wasn’t going to the functional program she referred me to. It wasn’t going to help the weariness of the depression. I wasn’t going to suddenly become active. Who are you kidding? I live a sedentary lifestyle so I get short of breath when I walk. I don’t care anymore. Nothing matters.