Feeling really frustrated. I didn’t get my Long Term disability approved today as they still need more information which means I won’t have any money for the next four weeks. I am also frustrated because I am down to my last few tablets of pain meds because apparently I have been in more pain this week causing me to use what I had. Now I have a few to carry me till Monday because my PCP thinks I am an overdose risk because of my mental illness. My safety with my narcotics have never been an issue and both my psychiatrist and therapist can vouch that I have found more lethal methods of killing myself than overdosing. I am just so damn aggravated that I have to be swimming in pain and then just when I think I am going to get relief my PCP decides I have to stay on the boat and I can’t come to shore. I have to continue to suffer this game of his, not mine. I understand the risks involved but withholding pain meds to a chronic pain patient just doesn’t make sense to me especially when that pain makes me want to kill myself. I have not thought of killing myself since this regimen but then my mood has been alleviated somewhat. The reason for this I am not sure other than I just can’t stop and think of how shitty my life truly is at the moment because if I stop and do think, I might be back in the abyss faster than David Copperfield disappeared the statue of liberty.
I am so tired of fighting for everything. I fight to stay alive when I don’t know why, I struggle just to make ends meet and I struggle just to make it through the day without causing harm to myself. And now I have to struggle to deal with my pain meds when before I was given them freely. I have not and will not harm myself with these drugs. The rope I have in my room will suffice. Or the many plastic bags I have in my house will do. I just have to concoct some brilliant plan that doesn’t allow my family to find me, find some location off and hide myself with my ID so they do not have to have that awful experience.
I see my doc on Monday and I hope that I can hold out until then. I have had to use more pain meds because I have been in more pain lately. I don’t know why. Sometimes I have pain while going about my business and other times like today I am hurting really bad and all I want to do is cry. My back and leg is giving me the Nth degree of pain and I don’t know what hurts more. I got someone stabbing me in the back and my ankle is exploding in nerve pain. I think me adding neurontin might have helped me sleeping better. I just don’t know what combo will work one night and what will work the next. It so fricken sucks not knowing and no doctor can say just why this is. They just have their own ideas on what will work and what will not but even then it is a trial and error game. It’s like with my trials of antidepressants. I have been on ALL of them. I can run off the list but that will be pointless because I am sure that most of you will say yes I have had success with this one or that one. I currently have had some success with Cymbalta but it is expensive and when my insurance runs out I am not sure I can continue to take it. Then we have all the mood stabilizers and surprisingly, I have not been back on one since Jan of this year. I think that I might go back to it but not right now. I have not been having the ups and downs of life just mostly really, really, really DOWNS. Twenty years ago I probably would have been committed to a hospital as I have been in and out of the hospital since I was sixteen.
I have been having a harder time. This has been since I found out my father’s liver cancer has spread to the good part of his liver. He is now facing radiation treatment. I guess you can say that he is having his due for the cruelty he brought to my sisters and mother, though he will deny it, saying he was a “good father” and that he was “just joking”. I am sure that he was “joking” when he told me to jump off the bridge when he found out I was suicidal. That was a painful night when he came to my room. I was sure that he wanted me to stab myself with the huge knife that was hanging outside my bedroom door but no, he said if I wanted to kill myself, to go jump off the bridge. I guess I finally got “permission” to end my life. My life is obviously worthless to him. That is why when people tell me I matter I do not believe them. How can I when my father told me how to kill myself? Here’s a clue dad, it is not a joke what you told me. I took it to heart just like when you called me a liar and said that I was nothing. I am nothing. I am worthless, my life does not have any meaning. How could it?
midnightdemons7 