Post Marathon feelings

Been looking at this blank document for the past hour trying to think of something to write. I saw my psychiatrist today and cried the whole half hour I saw her. I just couldn’t control myself. We tried talking about the sox and I cried. I tried to get her to get back on medication but she said that this is normal after the tragedy of last week and to ride it out. She said it is normal for me to be emotional right now. I just want it to stop because I just feel so ashamed of myself for crying in front of her. Even as I am writing this I am getting misty eyed.

I also saw my PCP today. He wants me to lose one pound. I said I will try and manage that. I haven’t had much of an appetite this week anyway. I just am not hungry. But right now I could go for some ice cream. I wish there was some in the house but there isn’t. I could go to the store but my fucking ankle has flared up so I won’t be going anywhere. I just took some pain meds. Hopefully it will settle down soon.

My psych doc said that if things don’t improve and I am not feeling safe, that I should consider the hospital. I am already thinking about it but I don’t want them to fuck up my meds. I am trying to handle this on my own but I am not sure if I can. I have never felt so insecure before. I know it’s normal to feel this way after the bombings and fire fight from last week but I want to feel better now. I have never felt so nervous before. I cry at the drop of a hat at little things. Every time I see or hear about Boston Strong, I start crying. A lot of money has been raised for the victims and families affected. I hope that it gets distributed fairly and the support is there for those that can no longer walk because they no longer have their legs. That must be so hard. There needs to be counseling for these people because it is going to make them very sad and possibly suicidal. The phantom pain alone can drive them mad.

Slowly Boston is pulling itself together. Meanwhile I just seem to be falling apart.