Post Marathon feelings part 2

Boston had a good sports night. All three teams won, Bruins (hockey), Celtics (basketball), and Red Sox (baseball). I feel pretty good that they won. I also am amazed that people with my condition have a resilience that goes deeper than the injury of cauda equina syndrome. A friend of mine is going to have surgery to close her stoma for the bladder that she has had for the past several years. Her doctor thinks that because of MRSA it is not closing properly so it needs to be debrided. So far she seems to be in good spirits but I know I would be in a different place having to deal with that. I can’t imagine what she is going through but I understand it.

I am still having a hard time with the bombing attack on my city. Today, three more people were arrested in connection with the bombings. I thought it was over but it is not. I don’t know when it will end. Tonight the Red Sox gave up five home runs and each of them were considered “bombs” and I just shuttered. I can’t even hear the word anymore without it taking me back to what happened just two weeks ago. I had to unfollow one of my tweets because they were just scaring me. It was like every feed had a new twist in the bombings. I wish they didn’t have to be so public about. I wish the media would tone down the story just a bit. It can make you crazy, like I am just thinking about it. My dreams are still filled with remnants of the bombings. I can’t listen to a motorcycle without thinking it’s gunfire. My brain just can’t shut off unless I am heavily drugged some nights but that is because the pain in my leg hurts so bad.

The other night I really wanted to do some damage to it. And I don’t mean roughing it up. I wanted to take a razor and slice it open, hoping that the part that is swollen would have some release and would ooze out. But I know medically it is probably deeper than superficial and I would have to cut deep and probably would end up really hurting my tendon that way. But the thought of doing it calms me down. I can imagine what it might feel like and feel the blood dripping, if at all. Since I have decreased sensation I wonder if I will really feel any of these things or if I don’t, I will feel it later when the nerve messages reaches my brain like when I stub my foot. It can take over an hour for it to hit me. And then I am like WTF is that. Then I remember I hit my foot. Doesn’t make any sense I know but that is what I have to live with.

Totally random thoughts: I had a craving today for chips and salsa with guacamole. It was pretty good but now I am thinking how to keep the guac from turning brown. I am glad I have google to help me with this.