Hypos are Back

Hypos are back

Thought the hypos were away but they are back. I have taken 2 mg of Ativan and a trilafon and I am not sleepy in the least. In fact, I am hyped up. I am reading hilarious stuff and not so funny stuff on the web and Twitter. It is stimulating my brain. I should be reading the civil war book. I am down to only the last 87 pages!!! But I don’t feel like reading. I am too restless to actually read a book. I rather be on the net.

I put in a new page to my blog called “What I blog about” for those that are interested. It was a blog but I turned it into a page so it is more visible. I am tired of people becoming concerned with what I write because it has to do with suicide. I bet dimes to donuts that if I was talking about cancer, I would not be getting the same reaction.

My thoughts of suicide have been diminished for the day. I am too “high” to really be suicidal. I am just in a great mood and I don’t need sleep right now. I have nothing to do tomorrow. I am not in pain so I don’t have to take my downer pain medication. I think the Excedrin that I took for my headache might have caused this. It has caffeine in it and sometimes I can become overstimulated with it.

I love feeling this way and wish it would last forever. But I know once I do get to sleep, these feelings will be gone. I feel so hyped up that I want to start a rant on Twitter but I don’t know what to write about. I already complained about my medication screw up. My mail order company is charging me $10 more than retail for a 30 day supply of medication. I sent them an email saying I am not paying for it and I will get it filled at the local pharmacy. I don’t see my doc until next month and I will be out of my meds by then. I specifically requested a 90 day supply so I don’t know why it wasn’t honored. I don’t know what is going to happen with this medication. I don’t know if I can ship it back to them or not. I am not going to open the package. I will just ship it back as return to sender, not wanted or something. It really pisses me off that I have to go through this hassle since they changed the way prescriptions are “refilled” with their fancy website. You used to be able to say “no, this isn’t what I want”. Now you just leave a comment, which obviously got ignored. I don’t know if it is the medical assistant’s fault or the doctor’s fault. But I am not going to be paying double for a 30 day supply.

I have finally figured out how to have the Bluetooth setting on my laptop. I have to go into PC devices or some shit like that. And the only way to get to it is by doing a search. It doesn’t pop up on settings or any other fucking thing. Pisses me off. I think I have mastered the settings. But we’ll see. I really do like my new Bluetooth headset. It is very comfortable and soundproof. I barely heard my mother struggle up the stairs tonight and usually it sounds like she is taking the stairs apart!

Tomorrow I am going to edit my psychosis short story. I have yet to work on it since I edited it. That will just leave the brick story to do, once I get to Starbucks. It probably won’t be until Monday when I have to take my father to the docs. Maybe after the appointment, I should go to my docs office and raise holy hell about not getting a 90 day supply of my medication. But the front office people won’t be able to do anything about it, but leave messages to the nurses, who then have to talk to the doctors, and then get back to me. Talk about a fucking run around.

I was going to watch Dune tonight but then I remembered the sand worms. Those buggers creep me out every time I see them. Even reading about it in a book creeped me out. So the case is collecting dust on top of a box that should be recycled. One of these days, I will recycle it. I really should make an effort to try and clean my room but I find it too overwhelming.

I printed off a thing about Leenaars and Shneidman. It’s a reflection of Shneidman’s work in the field of suicidology. I recently read it and it was free online. I was shock because most articles you have to pay for. But anyways, I got it free and it’s an interesting read. It is similar to the interview that someone did in the journal Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior. I miss Shneidman. I wish he was here so I could talk to him about my suicidality and if going through this pain is worth it. It would mean so much to me if he told me my life had purpose and worth. But he is dead and I never had a chance to ask him these questions.

Yesterday my mother pissed me off because she said “I didn’t know there was a boy in the house”. I really wanted to comment on this but I didn’t. I just walked away, fuming. She said that because my haircut is a men’s cut and very, very close cut, almost military like. I love it, she hates it. But I don’t fucking care. It’s my head and I will do what I want to it. But her comments are uncalled for. She doesn’t know I am transgender and that is part of the problem. Course, right now, I don’t even know what “transgender” means to me. I know I am a male but I don’t want a penis. I want a mastectomy and facial hair. That is all I want in this life and if I can’t get it, sign my death certificate. But my death certificate might be coming sometime this year anyway as I don’t want to turn 40. I plan on ending my life sometime this year. That is all I am going to say on the matter.