2019May09 The Struggle is Real

Having a bad pain day. I was up for 22 hours and then slept for 4. I stayed up for a few hours. Then decided to nap and just as I drifting off, some idiot from Wisconsin called me. WTF I don’t know anyone from there except one person and I doubt she would be calling me. I never went back to sleep. The way I had my head on my arm caused pain and I just gave up.

I made a burrito with some ground beef and taco seasoning. It good. The way my ankle/foot feel right now is as if I stood on it all day. Fucking killing me. I already took my BT med before I tried to nap. Can’t take another one till later.

Last night I emailed my psych and flat out told her what was running through my head and such. I didn’t get a phone call or a response

so not sure she it or if she did and couldn’t respond. I see her tomorrow though I don’t want to. It is going to be tricky with the bus schedule. My appt is at 330 and the only two options I have are a 120 and 154 bus times. I am thinking 120 will probably work but it all depends if i am up or not. I have the chance to go to Starbucks. Not sure what my appetite will be. Only thing I had today was that burrito and coffee. I’ve only been eating one meal a day, if that. I try to make something simple but it isn’t always easy.

I know I probably should be in the hosp but with my sisters going away the next few days, it just isn’t feasible. I could go anyway but I would have severe guilt if something were to happen to my egg donor (aka mother). I doubt my nephew would be able to handle it. Even though I hate the bitch, I fricken care for her, though I don’t know why. She doesn’t care about me in the same way. She doesn’t accept me for me and is transphobic so why should I fricken care what happens to her?

I am scared my psych will tell me I need to go in anyways. I know my suicidality is getting worse and the odds of me actually acting are increasing. I keep thinking of suicide every waking moment. Not to when your heart is full of pain and anguish and despair all rolled into one. I don’t know if my pain will get worse. I am already being affected by sounds because of the sleep deprivation. Think I am going to take some neurontin and an ativan now. Then when I take my night meds, will take another BT med and hope things will be under control. The weight on my chest is so great I feel like I can’t breathe. I’ve never been this suicidal for this length of time. Been almost two months now. Past week, I have no idea how I am still here. Had a couple of nights where I didn’t think I was going to make it. Unfortunately, it was past 10pm so I didn’t want to call my psych that late. She would be really worried, more than she is now. I hate the amount of concern I am causing her. This is why I don’t want her to see me but she does anyway. I’ve to wiggle out but, fuck, she always gives me no choice but to see her. I do have a choice but if I don’t see her, she will send police after me. Kind of sucks I am in the predicament. Living and dying is so hard when you are on the cusp of wanting to die so badly. It hurts so much to be living a life of pain. I don’t get why people want me to suffer just so I am in their life. Boggles my mind.

I’ll stop here. If there are any typos or missing words or things don’t make sense, please let me know. I am typing this on my phone and it has a habit of erasing words after I type them. Thanks for reading.

any thoughts?

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