2019May25 irritable and suicidal

I’ve been in the psych unit for 10 days. Last night I got into an irritable mood and got so fucking annoyed, i signed a 3 day so i can get the fuck out of here by Thursday. I don’t give a fuck how my suicidality is. I am sick of the piano playing and loud TV at night when I want to relax and try to sleep.

I emailed my psych last night telling her about the 3 day. She was supposed to call me but never did. She wrote back apologizing and saying she will try to call. She hasn’t yet so sent her an email saying it is ok if she doesn’t call me.

For those that don’t know, a 3 day is a paper that asks the hospital to decide in 72 hours if I can go home, leave AMA, or if they feel I am a threat, get a court commitment. I do have the option to retract it at any time if I want to and continue my stay here until both treatment team and I feel I am ready to be discharged. Way it looks right now, I will either leave AMA or be committed. My psych is probably hoping to change my mind and retract the paper.

I am upset with myself that I totally forgot to blog yesterday. I was in a lot of pain with my damn bladder and mood the same as it is today. My suicidality just won’t decrease at all. I’ve been trying to figure out about the bladder pain but until I see a urologist, it is going to be a mystery. The medical staff had put me on a retention med but it made matters worse. I have been having trouble avoiding and the retention has been wicked bad. Been leaking so I ordered diapers as the ones I have at home are locked in my room. I hate having to change boxers at least twice a day as I only brought four. I am so annoyed at this. I usually do leak but not as bad as the last 10 days have been. I’ve never had this problem with my bladder that was not infection related. The medical staff nor the psych staff have no fucking clue what a neurogenic bladder is. Doubt they even know what cauda equina syndrome is as well. I am not sure if the bladder problems are nerve or medication related. I hate smelling of urine all the time. The staff gave me these wipes because I’ve also been shitting myself, thus irritating my butt. I feel so embarrassed. I hate being here when I can have my bathroom stuff available. Sucks so fucking bad.

There is a patient here that is making me so fucking nervous because her mood is so volatile. She has been here a while so has issues. I try to be understanding but also feel the need to get away from her so I don’t have to listen to her ramble.

I had to shave my goatee off because it was annoying me. They don’t have razors on the floor and you are not allowed to have them. So I bought an electric razor. It works really well. It wasn’t the brand my barber has but a good enough one that I could afford. It is rugged and waterproof. I really like it. Because of ordering this and coffee (been getting Starbucks delivered, yay!) I now have no money for groceries. I will worry about it when I leave here. Might just have to buy the Gatorade as I am close to running out like I’ve been doing. I still have my food stamps I haven’t used because I barely left the house to shop. Plus I am here so no chance of doing that now. I am worried I will be discharged from PT as it looks like I won’t be able to make it Thursday. I need to email my PT and tell her I am here. If she discharges me I am ok with that. I won’t go back unless I have more problems. I think if I keep doing the exercises she gave me, i will be ok. I am not sure about the balance issues. I flared up my heel again which has been a bitch to calm down while here. I can’t stay in my room all day like I can at home to give it time to heal. I will never wear the brace for more than 8 hours again. Learned my lesson.

Will try to write my remaining days of May. Missing one day hasn’t been bad. I am trying not to be so hard on myself.

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s