Debating things

Hey all, sorry I haven’t written past few days. I haven’t been feeling well, physically, and my head couldn’t think of anything to write. I had a flare yesterday while in group. Downright set my day off. Foot swelled up and I was done for the day. I got really suicidal. I had the hot nurse as my check in but she doesn’t get why people are suicidal. It makes her sad. Guess when you don’t have a abuse in your life, you don’t understand another’s suffering.

I am supposed to be discharged tomorrow. I really want to get out of here but I don’t think so as I still have a plan and want to act on it. I got a few things to take care of medically. I am like split in half as one side wants to do stuff and the other half just wants to die. I’d say i am about 65% wanting to die. The percentage changes when my pain gets really bad. Then I resolve that I will go through with it. Then when the pain stops, so does my urges for ending it but the thoughts and feelings still remain.

I am thinking of just saying that I am ok just to get out of here and if they ask “what has changed” I am not going to answer the question. I hate that question.

I ordered Starbucks. I really shouldn’t have but I am in caffeine withdrawal. I have the hot nurse again today as my check in. My pain is still there with the hammering of my malleolus. I’ve been having to take at least 2 breakthrough meds during the day. As I don’t have access to my meds, I’ve had to take gaba to try and numb myself out. Only thing is 600mg of gaba doesn’t get the job done other than cause brain fog because I don’t sleep. The melatonin they have here is stronger than the one I have at home. Just 5 mg and I am usually out in about an hour, hour and a half. I’ve tried fighting through because the pain has been bad but the drowsiness is too powerful.

I have a shit load of zits on my back. All along the upper back and then scattered down my back. There are two zits that are painful. Only problem is I can’t reach them. Speaking of shit, I haven’t gone in a few days so gonna have to take a Miralax soon. I try to take it early in the day just so I am not shitting through the night. Sometimes it takes two doses to have me go. The senna is just not doing it some days. I think with the retention med, it has increased my constipation.

I somehow developed some things on my privates. I think they bleed at times because there is a stain on my diaper that doesn’t look like urine. I haven’t told staff because I really don’t want to be examined by someone I don’t know. I feel embarrassed about it. It also triggers me because of the abuse, which is why I am not looking forward to seeing a urologist. I had a traumatic experience when i was like 5 and i will never forget how they, the doctors and nurse dealt with me to get the stupid test done. I’ve been thinking a lot of the abuse I endured by the family member. I don’t want to say who because I am too ashamed and angry. I also don’t know if my family reads my blog so best not to name them.

I talked with my mother yesterday. I asked her when is she going to accept me and she said since i was born. Funny way of showing it. I then asked her if she was ok with me being trans and she had the tone of dismissal. She said hastily “whatever makes you happy.” I asked her why can’t she use my pronouns of he/him and she said defiantly that she would. She said it was hard to call me G. I understand that but I said that when she calls me a whatever it hurts. She didn’t apologize and just basically inferred that was who I am because “for 40 years she has been calling me my birth name.” She also didn’t say she loved me. Not that I was expecting it. I wanted to talk more but my fricken cousin was pounding at the door so we had to end the call. I wanted to ask her if she told her sisters and if she didn’t, why. I sort of know why but wanted her take. I know the lunatic will not accept it but my other aunt, who I consider family, totally will. I know this is hard for everyone but at least if they try, then I understand. But when they defiantly refuse to, that is when I get hurt and feel invalidated.

I am suddenly feeling overwhelmed and suicidal. These waves come on so suddenly and I just have to ride it out but in that moment, if I was at home, I could be instantly unsafe. I kind of want to act when I get like this. I also don’t want to let anyone know but the overwhelm is so great I feel like I have to reach out. I’ve had it instilled in me at a young age to always tell someone I am suicidal and now even as I am an adult, I still feel like I have to share my thoughts. I am so annoyed with myself about this. I always blurt things out and then regret it. I do this all the time with my psych, which gets her worried. Hence my hospitalization. I know if I tell the staff how I truly feel, I am not going home tomorrow yet I don’t know if I will be able to just say I am fine. Let me go. I can handle shit now (even though that is not the case but I don’t give a fuck). Hopefully I am not in a blurting out mood tomorrow. I also tend to answer questions off handedly, which always gets me in trouble because I answer honestly.

Just had a check in with my nurse. Fucking useless. She wanted to know how I feel about going home tomorrow. So I guess I am going home as everyone thinks I am fucking ready even though I want to fucking explode right now because the volatile person is playing piano and it is getting on my last fucking nerve. I am so fucking angry and agitated right now. I would end it right now if I could. Just want to do something but that would be really bad. So pissed off the damn nurses keep getting my ER and IR mixed up. Not even worth correcting them so I’ll just be in fucking pain. Tired of walking back and forth. I am so fucking angry and the damn person that has a volatile temper keeps playing the piano which is so fricken loud as it is the room next door. So sensitive to sounds today. I just want to fucking scream!!

I can’t take it right now and because I am in so much fucking pain I don’t want to leave my fucking room. So I’ll just be here while steam comes out of my fucking ears. I really have no where to go so WTF. I usually hangout at the nurses area when I am like this but the other patients have been using it as a fucking chat area so I can’t even get respite there. Fucking hate this place so bad so fuck my suicidality and send me the fuck home. I’ll just end it within a week anyway of being home. I don’t fucking care. Nothing has changed except my annoyance level. Been trying to write in my journal but my head feel so fucking heavy. I want to fucking sleep but I am too irritated.

If by all accounts I do go home tomorrow, I will be taking an Uber. Not going to mess with the damn shuttle and then taking buses and trains home. I think it will be easier and less aggravation.

any thoughts?

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