Had a difficult day. Doc discussed a potential discharge date on Monday then had me sign a paper for “treatment agreement”, whatever that is. We really didn’t discuss a treatment plan so no idea what I was signing. I was upset over it only because I thought Monday was two days away. When I spoke with my social worker, she said it was five days away and I looked at her like what? I swear I don’t know what fucking day it is. So the social worker wanted me to work on some stuff. I have no idea what to work on. She wanted me to come up with an agenda for tomorrow. Fuck, I haven’t done one of those since like 2001/2002 when I was meeting with my then new therapist. I said I would try.

When she left, I went into suicidal prevention mode. I looked up the SSF on my phone. It was difficult and for some reason I found the file but it my phone’s word app wouldn’t open it. Took several tries but it finally did in “read only” mode. I didn’t plan on writing or changing anything so it was good so I didn’t do something I didn’t mean to do. I wrote out the initial form with just the sections I wanted answered. Also left out the reasons for dying/living part. I loathe that section of the form. I didn’t answer any of the questions. Just wrote them out. I then saw the social worker a little later and asked her if she minded homework. I gave her my blog with the CAMS information. I don’t know if anything is going to come from it and I hope I don’t have to play teacher through most of it.

I met with my contact person and about 10 mins in, my nurse comes in with my T shot. She let me do it. The needle was about an inch smaller than the ones I have, which is probably why my thigh is so sore right now as i am typing this. Because she was one of the nurses i trusted most, i brought up an issue that started yesterday when I was showering. My privates had some kind of painful lump. I didn’t know if I had accidentally scratched myself or if it was a pimple. She suggested i get it looked at and I requested the regular NP instead of the nitwit i saw last week. I was really nervous. Within a half hour i was in the exam room. Told her what was going in and then i got undressed. I asked that the nurse stay with me as I was so nervous. I’ve been abused and the idea of someone touching me still freaks me out even though it was a female and a medical professional. She did some looking and found some bumps. It was not HSV but she didn’t know what they were. Figures. She would look into it and get back to me and when I am out, see my GYN. Fuck no. I will see my pcp who may just suggest I see my endo doc. The NP was to prescribe a numbing medicine (lidocaine) for it so it isn’t painful.

After the exam, I was fine until intrusive memories of the abused I endured came flooding back. I had already taken an ativan because I was pissed off with the whole doc and treatment team thing. Now I was in PTSD mode and I pretty much hung out at the nurses station all day. Around 11, I peed and didn’t go again till around 530. I had a full bladder but could not get the urge to pee at all. I had drank over 2500CCs of fluid and it was ready to burst out of me. The pressure and pain was unreal. I finally went and peed around 500-800 CCs. I knew my bladder was not empty as it still hurt. I took the urecholine and hoped for the best.

I never got the lidocaine so I am not sure it is up here. I am sort of embarrassed to ask for it. I felt so humiliated after the exam. I leaked a lot in my diaper, which isn’t such a surprise because of all the urine I am holding.

So that has been my day. Always fun while I am here. Next time I think my medical issues are going to keep me off the floor.

any thoughts?

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