2019May28 Flares and Revelations

Having a bad day. Day started off kind of good. Then after lunch, I got a bad pain flare. Nurses had to come to My room with meds as I couldn’t stand. It took a half hour for the pain to settle before I could take off my brace. A nurse had to pull it off as bending down caused me more pain. I had taken a pain med before going to my room. Three hours later,I was still in pain. I read some Harry Potter. I missed dinner. I had to pee so I slowly got up. I was doing ok until I got some juice. Then all hell broke loose. I am now at a 12 level pain with nothing to take for it because I am only allowed 2 fricken pills a day.I am so going to have that changed tomorrow.

While I was incapacitated, my diapers came in. Nothing like having a 20 something mental health worker open it. I am at least twice her age. Felt so embarrassed and humiliated. I got four and the rest went to my secured belongings as the plastics that bound the diapers was not safe for me to have. Within an hour I had to pee because I drank a lot of fluid. I stuck the diaper in my pocket and after I did my business, put it on. They are more comfy than the ones I have at home.

My nurse/contact person is the cute/hot nurse tonight. Have no idea if I will be an idiot when I check in with her. My hope is, I can possibly get a PRN of my breakthrough med. It has been raining for most of the day and the barometric pressure is up 0.2 points, which almost always flares me up. I am not sure about getting it because it will be close to night med time. I definitely will be getting the PRN with my regular meds. Last night I had a bitch of a nurse that didn’t like me taking it with my extended release. I still got it. There are no conflicts. I do it at home a lot of the time, especially if I am in a flare. I really hate that I don’t have access to my pharmacy at my bedside.

This morning I was in a analytical mood. I was listening to a bunch of break up songs that got me thinking about my therapist of 16 years that ended. Just as I was about to write about it, my social worker came in. We talked and I told her my fears of being rejected again, even though I have yet to meet with the new therapist I’ve been assigned. I am supposed to call to setup an appt but seeing as I don’t have a discharge date, I don’t want to just to have to cancel it. The SW heard me and was interested in working on this. I just feel like I got no real closure or space to move on because every therapist I have been calling, has rejected me due to my suicidal history. It has been hard and painful trying to go back yet at the same time, I just want to give it up entirely. I know what kind of therapist I am looking for but not sure if they exist. Last thing I need is a therapist who cannot handle a suicidal person. I will be crushed. I wish I could interview the person before I met with them. I haven’t looked this person up because I just don’t want to give my hopes up.
I have no idea how I am going to get my night meds tonight as my ankle/foot doesn’t want to cooperate with walking. Maybe I can get the cute nurse to bring them to me.

any thoughts?

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