Pain fucking day

Since I woke up, my fricken malleolus has been killing me. Just being hammered. I had taken melatonin last night but only got around 5 hours as pain kept me up till around or after midnight. I possibly could have easily been up 24 hours. I am glad the melatonin didn’t let me sleep in 2 hour increments but I think it is because I didn’t have gabapentin on board.

I am in a lot of distress and despair. I am trying to avoid sending my psych yet another email about how bad I just don’t want to live anymore but all I am doing is making her worried. She has been really awesome trying to support me through this. I had to tell her the other night that I don’t expect her to fix this. I know she can’t. No one can. She doesn’t want to see me suffer so much either. I just want her to listen to the crazy despair and hopelessness. I understand that she feels that if the pain was gone, the hopelessness and possibly intense suicidality would too.

My friend in the UK just moved to Scotland. When I told her last week I was going to end it, she asked if my family could send her a letter I wrote out so she would know. I wrote the letter and it is in the envelope I have of stuff I wrote should I do go through with it. Way i feel right now, if I could fucking move, I would go through with it. As much discord that is going on with my family, I just can’t have them find me in my room. I have to be out of the house. Go to my happy place one last time and end it there.

Been seven months of feeling this intense suicidal feelings over this cruel condition. Yes, family stuff, psych leaving, trans stuff has contributed but 90% is due to this unpredictable pain. I can do some stuff and hurt. Can do the same stuff the next day and not hurt as much. I learned today that if I don’t have deep sleep, it doesn’t reset the pain. I took a nap this afternoon and slept around 2 hours. Pain had gone. Then I showered and it flared back up again. I hate being in this much misery night after fucking night. It has to end. Just has to. Nothing matters to me anymore. I’ve lost interest in so many things, including writing here. This used to bring me so much content. Stats would make me happy someone was reading even if only 12 people read for the day. Usually it is the same blogs though, not my recent stuff (but could as it is my home page that is above the other stuff).

I don’t think I will make it to 44. I refuse to make a plan for 1 or 2 weeks anymore. Just going to be in a day or two from the hell I am in. I just cannot go on like this. There is no point. No I am not going to act this week. I can’t as my cousin is getting married and I don’t want my death to ruin it. Still need to mail out her gift I made. Shit and a card. I still can’t believe I packed up the gift and didn’t put in a card. Idiot I am. Will try and remember this week.

any thoughts?

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