Sunday Blog 20022022

Interesting European date format today. I am a number nerd.

I woke up at 6 am to pee and then I don’t know what happened. I took my meds around 830 and I was in pain. Both sides of my ribs hurt all along the rib cages. I couldn’t get comfortable. I took a BT med and feel better now. I got up at 1300. I just wanted coffee. I had it with some Belvita. Now I want to go back to sleep.

I sent my therapist a text saying I was getting increasingly suicidal but didn’t tell her why. It is because of the gender dysphoria and my upcoming top surgery appt. I am feeling stressed out about it. I have two recent articles that support me in saying obese males doesn’t cause complications and shouldn’t be a deterrent for surgery. I wish I wasn’t going alone to this appt.

I have been trying to distract myself from my thoughts. I’ve tried clearing off my bed but I have no place to put the stuff other than on top of other stuff. I’ve been taking things off here and there. I am making progress but it isn’t as fast as I want to go. Oh well.

I don’t feel like going to therapy this week. I know my therapist will give me shit if I try to cancel. I really don’t want to talk about being suicidal. She doesn’t want to hear it anyway. She would rather I use some skills or coping things than to talk about it anyway. This is where we differ.

The When it is Darkest book covered the Aeschi way of suicidal prevention intervention. Now I want to find the book and read it again. This way fits in how I want to be treated when I am suicidal. Also would like CAMS but no one in Boston is certified with it. I wonder if I asked my therapist if we have a good alliance what she would say. I feel like sending her a message through the patient web thing and see if she will answer me.

I’m going to look up the Aeschi blog I wrote a few years ago. I think I know where the book is but it is buried and I would have to move a lot of stuff to get it and hope I don’t cause an avalanche.

I have been in such a depressive funk the past few days. Baseball is on hold as they delayed Spring Training. I am so upset. The owners and players have to come to an agreement and they haven’t so that is why it is delayed. Bastards.

any thoughts?

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