feeling shitty

Feeling shitty

Yesterday I was feeling shitty because I didn’t get much sleep the night before due to pain. My arm, bladder, and ankle were all hurting me and I just got fed up. I canceled PT and decided to attend the chronic pain group thinking it would help support me and I could get to know the group a little better. What came up in the group is that the clinic decided to put forth a new policy so the group is in danger or members of the group are. I am not really sure and the group leader kept on getting interrupted as he was trying to explain what was going on so I am even more confused. The policy is that basically if you are not going to get better, here are some resources and see you later is my understanding. But chronic pain doesn’t get better. In fact, in some cases it can get worse over time. I sent an email to some woman that the group leader said was in charge. I also sent an email to the group leader to have him explain to me what is going on.

Therapy this week was about my upcoming top surgery appointment. She wanted me to write down some stuff that she said so I did. I wrote them in my journal as that was the handiest notebook I had. I don’t know what happened to my therapy notebook. I think it is with the suicide handbook somewhere in my room. I found it in my backpack when I was cleaning it out to make it lighter for my shoulder. We talked about ways to lose weight in a more healthy way. To drink more water instead of Gatorade. It was a difficult session. She kept on saying that I was making a decision on something that hasn’t happened yet. She was right. I was. I don’t know what is going to happen at this appointment. I also know there is a good chance I might not be able to afford having surgery there because it is such a private office. I also plan on getting a consult at my hospital where I know I probably won’t pay much for it. But I got to know that I can be seen with my BMI is what it is. I was told it had to be a certain number and now I am being told that it doesn’t matter so I don’t know what is true. I am waiting to hear the results of my cardiac tests before I ask for a referral.

My bladder has been hurting me since Sunday evening. Monday night, my arm, bladder, and ankle were all flared up. I grew more depressed so that was why I canceled PT and decided to go to the pain group. Last night I was so upset I just went to bed around 6 and didn’t get up till 11 today. I took my night meds really late, like around 0100 when I had to empty my bladder. I had been thinking of making a repeat of last night around 5pm. I am just so damn tired all the time and I don’t really know why. I know I am really depressed. Baseball has been in a lockout so the damn greedy owners have delayed the start of baseball. Opening day has already been delayed. Spring Training hasn’t begun yet. I don’t know if they will have it. Some players are doing their own workouts and stuff. I don’t know how I am going to be awake for games when my bedtime has been 8pm or earlier lately. I have been fighting the fatigue this evening to write this blog. As of right now it is 2020, the latest I have stayed up in the last few days. Usually I will just wait till 7pm to take my night meds and then go to bed. I might stay up until they really kick in and then retire but usually I am in bed before they do.

Tonight I am listening to “old” country. It was “new” country when these songs came out. Songs by George Strait, Tim McGraw, Rodney Akins, Faith Hill. I loved singing along with the music. Haven’t done that in a long time. Guess I am listening to too much Taylor. But is there a thing of listening to too much Swift?

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