Therapy and being vulnerable
Yesterday therapy was difficult. She read a message I sent to my psychiatrist, which I didn’t know she had access to. We talked about it and then I really let her know what was going on and started crying. It was a controlled cry as I didn’t want to let myself go. I told her how I was feeling about my friend dying and how my pain is getting worse with no treatment available. I have no doc that wants to address it. I told her I wanted to die and that is what I am going to do after top surgery. I rather die before the CRPS spreads to my knee. During this conversation, she expressed why there are boundaries and that she isn’t sure what I want from therapy. She is struggling to grasp that. She thinks I want her to be my peer and that is not what she wants to be. I think I want her to be a colleague and that has been interfering with therapy. I realized while she was talking that she is the one. She has what I need if I just don’t hold back from her. It has been difficult because I am so suicidal and I don’t want to seek help for it. She gave me the option of not having another appointment.
We also talked about how I am upset with my sister not accepting my disability or chronic pain. I told her what happened over the weekend. I haven’t spoken to my sister since then and we have been avoiding each other in the house, at least so far. I told her I had to cut her off as she was just too toxic for me. I really wanted to ask her if we could have a session with her to explain where I am at but my mind was on other things so I didn’t ask.
This therapist really wants to work on me getting well. She asked if I had put forth all the ways I could get better mentally and I said no, given what I learned about suicide treatments. I still need to learn skills to work on things and to find something or some place where I am accepted and can talk about my feelings of the family rejection as well as chronic pain. I do have the chronic pain group today and I am debating on going. Right now my pain is a 7 but I just took my morning meds so I am hoping for it to settle down before having to take a BT med. The pain is in an L shape as it is from my shin down to my foot. I don’t know if it is going to rain today or not. It is going to be a high pollen day. I already got an alert for that. According to weatherbug, the precipitation if we get it is around 11 and 12 and then temps warm up. I might have to turn on the ceiling fan. I need to finish clearing off my bed so I can change the sheets. I was making progress yesterday but then I went to the post office and lost all my energy. For some reason there is a scent in my room and I think it is pollen coming through the AC vents. If my room gets above 70 degrees I will turn on the ceiling fan.
I think I am going to have pancakes for breakfast today if I can get my ass in gear. I am so damn tired. But I wanted to write about therapy while I felt like writing. It is rare that I get this way this early in the morning, before coffee!
I have to make a decision about the pain doc. I feel like I should send her a message first to see if she really wants to see me or if she just doesn’t want to treat me at all. I just don’t want to waste my time and energy in the appointment just for her to say nope we aren’t treating you because you are high risk, unless they want to taper me off my meds which isn’t going to happen. I swear I just want to take an extra BT med a day so I am not struggling at the end of the month because there are days where I have to take a BT around the clock to deal with my pain. I just read the notes from my last visit to the new pain doc and she said in her notes she is willing to help me so I think I am going to see her. Trouble is if this is a telemedicine visit she can’t exam me (though last visit she had a telemedicine visit and supposedly did an exam on me in her notes, yea ok. Don’t know how that is possible!). If she wants to see me in person, transportation is an issue. She isn’t T accessible so I would have to get an Uber which is 35 bucks to and from her place. Which means $70 for this visit.
My pcp asked me if I want to see a neuro or pain doc. I requested a referral for the neuro that diagnosed my crps. I will see him again and see if he can figure out this shin pain. I also made a request to see the pain doc. I will take my chances with her. I just hope it is a virtual visit. Now I am just waiting for pcp to get back to me about the Holter monitor results.