up early and I am grumpy
Workers came this morning at 8 o’clock sharp. I was still in bed. I quickly took my meds and grabbed the stuff I needed. They had already started to put plastic on my door. I went downstairs and I had to undo the plastic and I didn’t fucking care. Then the banging started and I just wanted to leave except there is no where for me to go.
I had therapy yesterday. I had it on my sister’s porch as I was there instead of upstairs as it was cooler. We talked about my plan as she and my psychiatrist were talking. They are concerned. But there is nothing really they can do about it. Unfortunately, we couldn’t talk because my brother in law was in the area. We then talked about my sister and how she called me a selfish asshole the other day. We also talked about how she gets my hypervigilance up. She then went through the biological effects of being hypervigilant. She said my pain would increase because inflammation increases. Great. So she wants me to do relaxation/meditation exercises. There was one on YouTube that I liked. I found it last night as I was going through my liked videos.
I told her the mindfulness stuff didn’t work and that I need a different skill. So she sent me a 13 page skill. So much for it being easier. One of the things as I was going through the list was to think about sex so I liked that. The testosterone is turning me into a real hornball. I also told her that I met someone on a trans app. She said to be careful. I didn’t tell her that I had already made the decision to end it. He asked me for money and the red flags went off. I haven’t contacted him since. He has sent me a message today but I didn’t respond and don’t plan to.
I have an appointment with the dentist on Thursday and I asked if there was anything to help with the anxiety/phobia of going. She said there wasn’t anything specific but there might be a YouTube video for it. I haven’t looked for it yet. Plan right now is to take two Ativan so I can zone out while they work on my mouth. I don’t know what they are going to do. I have a broken tooth that is starting to bother me while I eat. I am trying to eat on the other side and I stupidly bit my cheek so now I got to be careful chewing there as it is swollen. UGH. I haven’t brushed my teeth today, yet.
The workers are still here. They are working on the stairs. I hope I can have access to my room tonight. Looks like they are cleaning this up for the day. This has really been a project. I am so tired. I need a nap. I was up a few times during the night but was able to get back to sleep. Ankle just flared up because I have been sitting in a chair all day. Fuck. I hope it doesn’t swell up. Doesn’t look swollen right now. My mother has been driving me crazy all damn day. I just got in charge of making dinner. Great. Gonna make a stir fry of some sort. Maybe just sauté the chicken in some herbs and I think I have a lemon. Got plenty of rice.
Sox won last night after a rain delay. I am so happy. Hope they win again tonight.