the heaviness of depression

The heaviness of depression

I woke up several times during the night because I had to pee. I later learned that because I am no longer taking my uro meds, I am not emptying my bladder completely when I void. I have a strong urge to go so I won’t cath because if I do, it is like popping a balloon and urine goes everywhere. I have learned to void then cath to avoid this. It is much easier this way. I still have to sometimes use the med app to remind me to empty as there are some days I don’t get the urge and then it is too long in between the voids. I will then get bladder pain from it because the bladder gets so big. But since stopping the uro meds, my bladder pain has been less. I don’t know if I am going to keep my uro appointment next month or not.

One of our fire alarms is beeping so we played the game which one is it. We can’t find it so it is continuing to beep. I don’t give a fuck at this point even though it is annoying as fuck. I woke up pretty late and just feel super depressed. I feel like there is a heaviness on my chest. I forced myself to empty the recycle on my bed. I would have brought the bag and a few boxes down but it is raining and I don’t want to twist an ankle. Trash day has been postponed a day anyway so I have until tomorrow to bring it down. My brother in law is supposed to put in my AC but that might change because of the rain.

I hate when I feel this depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I just feel so damn tired. I wish I could sleep all day. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet but I have to as I have coffee breath. I will when I go to the bathroom again in an hour or so. Uro NP says I need to empty my bladder two hours after drinking coffee because it is a bladder irritant. I am not giving up my coffee so I will do so. It is my one joy in life. I often think what my therapist would say about being depressed. She would want me to do something that brings me pleasure. Sadly, it is hard to think of something pleasurable when you feel so down. I have a huge headache right now. I probably am a little dehydrated as all I’ve had to drink today was coffee, so far. I have to fill my water bottle. I keep saying I will do it and then I forget.

It’s supposed to be crappy the rest of the week, cool but crappy. Rain has flared up my pain. I had sent a message to my TG doc asking if the testosterone played a role in spreading the CRPS up my leg. The nurse sent me some information but it wasn’t definitive in answering my question. He said I should work with the pain clinic PA to find out why this is happening. He obviously knows jack shit about CRPS. I was too tired to educate him so I just let it go. Besides, it is a complex disorder to explain. Regardless, I am in severe pain 24/7. Pain meds reduce the pain so that it is a mumble but I still have it. I find when the pain is in my awareness I need to take a BT med. Like it is now. People don’t understand how pain can and does trigger suicidality. Pain is definitely worse when my depression is worse. It is a vicious cycle.