Therapy ends

So over the weekend I sent both my therapist and psychiatrist the same message. Do you understand why I am suicidal and do you validate it. Psychiatrist responds that he will answer when meet in “person”. My therapist had quite a different response when we met for our session. She said she understood but didn’t accept my decision making. Fair. Then she asked what I was expecting from therapy and that is when I saw my way out. In a year I will be ending my life. I wasn’t sure how therapy was going to go. I seriously doubt as the time grew closer, she would just allow me to end my life without interfering. I said as much and basically said we should end now. She appreciated that I was concerned for her. But as my view of therapy (whatever that is) and hers are matching up, it is better to part ways. We ended session soon after realizing this. She said I could come back at any time. I don’t see that happening. Not with her anyways. She said she would tell my psychiatrist. I meet with him next week. I thought it was this week but got my dates wrong.

It would have been three years I’ve been with this therapist. It has been an up and down relationship. She was a good therapist, don’t get me wrong. I think she was just too good for me. We butted heads but she got through to me. I will miss her.

Tomorrow is the funeral for my uncle. I won’t be going as I have a doctor’s appointment. Been having groin pain past few days. I thought it was getting better but it flared up again today. I also been having right sided pain where my ovaries used to be. Just weird pain. It just comes and goes as it pleases, but when it hits, it is bad pain.

I woke up 15 mins before therapy. I had just enough time to void but not enough time to make sure my bladder was empty. I took my meds after session. Then tried to go back to sleep. Got up around 1530 and my bladder was overfull as it took forever to empty by cath. I plan on showering and brushing my teeth before bed. I just had coffee with some biscuits and a yogurt. Not really hungry. My sister made a pot of gravy. There’s some meatballs in there. Maybe later I will have some.

I’m feeling pretty depressed. It’s hot. I got my AC on so it is cold in my room. Just not going to do much. Maybe listen to Taylor before the game starts at 2140. Hate west coast games.

any thoughts?

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