a case of the missing case

A case of the missing case

I switched glasses a few weeks ago and I had the glasses I liked in a case. I had the case on my bed. Now I can’t find it and I have looked everywhere for it. By the bed, on the floor, behind my bed, under and over the sheets and blankets. In boxes that were on my bed. It is no where to be found. I checked the drawer by my bed thinking maybe I put it in there but nope, not there. I will find it when I am looking for something else. Isn’t that how it always goes?

I woke up early this morning, just before 0600. I was having bad dreams where I had attempted suicide and was pissed I survived but the thing was I was still sick yet I was walking all around the ED like nothing was wrong with me. I wanted pain medication and was denied. That pissed me off. They said I had to go for immunology blood work before I could be give the meds. So I went to the immunology lab to get my blood drawn. There wasn’t a place to get your blood drawn there so I had to go to another place outside of the hospital. It was so weird. I just was walking all over the place and like Burger King was there and some coffee place. And a pizza joint. So bizarre.

If I brush my teeth today, it will be third day in a row. I think I will before my uro appointment that I don’t want to go to but I need to tell him I have stopped the meds and how my urinating is going. It can be said in a message but seeing as I am seeing him, might as well tell him in “person”.

I am listening to evermore by Taylor, the song. I can relate to this song so much. “This pain will be evermore”. I have been experiencing a lot of pain since my baby sister decided that I needed to get off my meds and be holistic. She also implied that I should eat healthy. I wanted to reply sure go ahead and get good food that I can’t afford. The day before I told her I was depressed and she asked if there was someone I could call. I was reaching out to her. But obviously she didn’t want to be bothered. We haven’t spoken since that day. I no longer have a supportive member in my family, aside from my kids but they are young adults and I feel funny leaning on them. They have their own problems. My heart is broken. And I have no therapist which really sucks. I have my psychiatrist but I only see him once a month, sometimes every two months. He is really supportive but my only means of communicating with him is through the patient webthingy. I hate it because everything I write becomes a part of my medical record so I need to be careful when communicating my suicidality. He is also part time so I can only call him in an emergency on Tues and Thurs. I see him this week. I am glad because we have a lot to talk about.

Had the appointment with the uro. He apologized for using the wrong pronouns in my record the first visit I had with him. He said it took a lot of effort to get it done. I am glad he did because I am not a SHE! The visit went well. He is okay with me stopping the uro meds as I am emptying my bladder. He doesn’t like the volume I am having every four hours so now I have to cath every two hours. Fucking fuck. I just put on the med alarm to remind me to go. This is going to be “fun” going to the bathroom so often. I got three boxes of caths left. I might have to call the supply company and get a new order in. I am also going to keep track of how many catheters I use in a day. Right now the amount is 6 but with me going every 2 hours it might be double that. I’m not in the mood to measure my urine today but will try tomorrow to see how much I void.

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