two cup of coffee day

Two cup of coffee day

I am having my second cup of coffee because I woke up late and I don’t want to go back to sleep. I had every intention to get up by 10 and go to the lab to get my blood drawn but it never happened. I woke up around 1130 to pee and then I went back to sleep. I got up a couple of hours later to have coffee and some oatmeal. I bought some fig bars, which I will never buy again. There are two small fig newton sized bars in the package. They were good though didn’t have as much fruit inside as I thought it would. I ate three packages. Then I read the box and there was more potassium than sodium per bar. Yikes. Hope it doesn’t cause any heart problems later.

I didn’t go to the pain group today. I just wasn’t interested. I got a call from my dentist. They want to discuss the first step in getting the implant done. I got the estimate yesterday. I have to pay $1000 for one fucking tooth. I don’t have the money. I would have to go on a payment plan but seeing as I plan on dying in a year, I don’t see the point in going for the expense.

It feels really weird not having therapy anymore. I read another chapter of Building a therapeutic alliance yesterday. The chapter was about suicide as an action directed thing. I really tried to follow along but I am going to have to re-read the chapter again to really try and understand it. It quoted Dr. Shhneidman who I love. I am going to attend the first suicide research symposium on Thursday. It starts at 1130a so I hope I am up by then.

I am having a big problem getting up in the morning. Part of the reason is that I am up in the middle of the night. I have noticed on nights where I sleep through (from say 1am on), I am more likely to be up by 9am. On nights where I am up around 3am, I am tired all day and sleep through the morning and sometimes the afternoon, depending if I have an appointment or not. I am more likely to nap around 5pm or at least rest for an hour or so before taking my night meds and paying attention to the Sox game. I have tried not to get on my phone when I am up in the middle of the night but when I have messages, it is hard. I might have to be mindful and put the do not disturb on. I think that blocks notification until it is turned off.

any thoughts?

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