it’s 5 am, long story

It’s 5 am

I am up at five. I woke up around 2 to pee but didn’t really empty until 330. I tried going back to sleep but I couldn’t. I had a bowl of cereal after just eating oatmeal yesterday morning. I don’t have anything planned today except going to the mailbox to mail my voting ballot. I was too sleepy yesterday to do anything. I was up in the middle of the night again and I had to get up for therapy. I really wanted to skip therapy but she would have been pissed.

We talked about worth most of the session and my suicidality. She said that only I could determine whether I was worthy or not. No one else could. It was all up to me. So I guess I am worthless and there is nothing no one can do about it. I say so and that is that. I asked her if she trusts me and she said she is trying to. That hurt. It really bothers me that she can’t trust me. I don’t know what to do to make her trust me.

I have my uro appointment tomorrow. It is in the late afternoon. I hope I am awake for him. I am having bladder pain today so I hope he can do something about it. I don’t think the estrogen cream is going to work like the NP thinks it will. I honestly think I’ve been given this cream because there is nothing else to try.

I am fucking annoyed. Last week I had sent a message to my neuro about CRPS ankle as it feels like bone is rubbing against bone. Got a message today saying to see my pcp about the issue. I also sent a message to my TG doc as I haven’t received a new script for the new dose. I also asked about blood work. I see her at the end of Sept.

I had my coffee and now I am feeling tired. I need a nap. The new Outlook has ads in the app so I uninstalled it and am now using the email app. I hate ads. I tried switching browsers to google and I still have ads. Fucking hate them. I brushed my teeth and shaved off my goatee. I wanted a smooth face.

I want to take a nap. I have the chronic pain group today. Still not sure if I will show up. It is in like an hour or so. I am leaning towards nap and setting my alarm. Yeah think that is what I will do.

Well that didn’t work out. My sister had texted me like an hour ago to check on my niece as she seemed depressed. I went downstairs and she just woke up. We talked for a bit and I asked questions, which were answered with one word. She obviously didn’t feel like talking. I left to go to the dining room and saw chocolate cupcakes. I took a few and a dark chocolate candy, the name of which escapes me right now. I went back upstairs and made a cup of coffee. I should eat something but I am not really hungry. My mother took out chicken for dinner tonight so that is good. I will have a chicken sandwich for dinner.

I went to the group and got fucking triggered. A new member joined and he was yelling about this situation he was in. The yelling is what triggered me. I can’t stand people being loud. It is one of my PTSD triggers. The rest of the group was ok. I was quiet most of the time because I was anxious. I thought about leaving a few times. I did leave about 30 mins in because my bladder was going to explode if I didn’t. I had just emptied it like an hour before and really didn’t drink that much in that time frame.

I got wicked annoyed with my pcp’s nurse, who wasn’t the regular nurse I have been dealing with. I had sent a message about my ankle pain being bone on bone pain. The nurse thought it was an ankle injury and I needed to be seen. I told her to check with the doc because this could just be a CRPS flare. The doc said I didn’t have to be seen but if it still hurts in more than a week, then I will need to be. Fucking fuck. CRPS doesn’t heal in a week. Flares can go on for weeks to months. I am so damn annoyed and suicidal that I went and got the key to be with me. I told my therapist and she doesn’t think this is a fine idea. I had to check something with the pills I had, to make sure what I had was really what I had and not sawdust. It is. I finally have something lethal in my possession. Checking it out calmed my anxiety faster than the Ativan pill I took. I have the key in my room. It will stay there until I see my therapist Thursday and then I will move it back to the place on the porch. I just need to have it as a security blanket for tonight.

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