bullshit day

Bullshit day

I have been up most of the day. I didn’t sleep well. I kept having to go to the bathroom. The two hour thing is really sticking to me so I am getting no rest. I was up around 8 and texted my therapist as she wanted me to check in. Then she pissed me off by saying to check in again at 6. I was like why and she was like cause you still have the key. Fuck. Fine. Whatever. I know tomorrow is going to be a bad day with her when we meet.

I then had uro appointment. He was 20 minutes late and didn’t apologize for it. We talked for about 10 minutes. I told him I was having bladder pain and he said treatment is botox. I said I didn’t want that so then he was like amitriptyline. I said no because I don’t like the side effects. He then said ok and put me on duloxetine and that was the end of the appointment. I had objected saying I was already on an SSRI/NRI but he didn’t listen saying it was ok because it was a “low dose”. I sent a message to my psychiatrist anyways. Fuck him. I hate him so much. I wish there was someone else I could see. I didn’t even ask him about the estrogen. He didn’t give me time to talk. I was so damn mad.

I had dinner after my appointment. I didn’t have lunch. I wasn’t hungry. I might have a bowl of cereal later as I wasn’t filled up by the burger.

My mood sucks right now. I had sent a message to the group leader of the pain group saying that one of the members had triggered me and caused me to spiral out of control yesterday. Hence why I have the key to my lethal means. He offered to talk to me if that would be helpful. I tried replying to the message but the website wasn’t made for mobile phones so the print was small. I got annoyed and will respond on my laptop.

I want to get a haircut this week. But I feel so lazy. I don’t want to do anything. I know that is because of the depression. I have been bad about not doing the safety planning. I just go to text my therapist rather than do the things on it. I just get so anxious I can’t think about anything else.

Psychiatrist just responded to my message. Duloxetine is in the same class as Pristiq so I would have to taper off it. I don’t wish to do that. I asked my psychiatrist to get in touch with uro and tell him this as he was not listening to me. After I responded to the message I took an Ativan. I am too stressed to deal with this.