Am I good enough?
Tonight I texted a best friend. I told him that I credited him with saving my life. He responded saying that I did the same for him. I was there when he needed someone. I started thinking about my good bye letters that I had written more than a year ago. I had written one to him as he doesn’t always see things online and if someone had posted my passing he would miss it. I have been thinking about this package that I had done tonight as I continue trying to put a foot forward after my suicide attempt.
The past hour I have been flooded with memories of the hospital and the delusions. One of the delusions was of Marsha Linehan coming to this house to have a piece of pepperoni pizza and being denied it because the house had too many death smells to it. I was reminded of this memory/delusion as I read her memoir and reading the part where she loves sports car. David Jobes had been driving her around Boston in a convertible. The house was of the people that used to live here before I moved in. She was supposed to come back but never did, or so the delusion goes. Jobes came to my house to see if dead people can be brought back to life. This was because I thought I had died for whatever reason. I don’t think I will ever know how close to dying I came as this was a very serious attempt on my life. I was very sick from the overdose.
I am wondering if I am a good person. While I was in the psych unit at the hospital, the staff really liked me. Most would spend time with me and talk with me, even if on stuff that wasn’t serious. We would talk about sneakers or baseball (the World Series was going on as I was admitted). I even had a running joke with one of the staff members about tea. He would sing the song “tea for two” every time I requested a cup and he was around or would see me with the cup as I would often go to my room to drink it. One of the nurses kept on telling me I was a nice guy and that the nurses loved me because I didn’t cause trouble. Does this make me a good person? I don’t feel like I am a good person because I still have suicidal thoughts. I am always thinking of a way out. It is in my nature at this point. I am already scheming a way to end my life even though I am not in despair.
I have therapy tomorrow and will discuss these things. I don’t know if I will tell her I am scheming again. I really haven’t found life worth living despite my top surgery moving forward. I know I will feel better and more congruent with how I feel about myself, for the most part. I am trying to lose some weight but it is hard right now as I can’t even walk 100 feet without getting winded or short of breath. I tried to control my eating while I was in the hospital but the meds and boredom made me hungry. I have gained back the weight l lost.
I am feeling pretty rotten right now. Nothing really happened to bring it on except the memories/delusions of the past three months. I am anxious and have nothing to calm myself down. I read in Linehan’s memoir about breathing and counting as you breathe. I find that just noticing my breathing in and out helps to center me. Sometimes it works and sometimes it makes me more panicky. I cannot wait to see my psychiatrist on Thurs so I can get some Ativan.
I have been a week out of the hospital now and I am still adjusting outside of the hospital. I have been managing my meds without any help. The visiting nurse is useless. All she does is check in with me for like five minutes, takes my blood pressure and then leaves. I hope this is the last week with her.
It is almost 0300. I had a few hours of sleep and had to pee so now I am up. I fucking hate this bullshit of not being able to get back to sleep. I am tired as fuck. I keep on thinking of stupid shit that is keeping me up. I hate being up in the middle of the night. Just makes me tired the rest of the day.