falling down a rabbit hole

Falling down a rabbit hole

I feel myself falling into the abyss of depression. I must have thought more than a few times that I should be back in the hospital. Only thing stopping me was having to tell my family I needed to be there again. I couldn’t take the why am I going back.

I stayed in bed most of the day. My mother was taken by ambulance to the hospital as she had fluid overload and was in severe pain that she couldn’t walk. My niece was with her most of the day. They are going to keep her because her O2 levels keep dropping for some reason. They don’t know why.

It has been hard to get out of bed today. I had chicken I had to cook before it went bad. I also had to put some dishes away. I emptied half the dishwasher until my back started to hurt. My back has been spasming all day. I took some muscle relaxant. I asked my pcp for some more as I only had a three day supply. It helps and doesn’t cause me to be sedated. I just feel really blah. I texted my therapist but I don’t think she will respond. Nothing seems to set off the blahs, least not that I am aware of. I keep getting the gut punch of psychache out of no where. I don’t know why I hurt so much. It leads to suicidal thoughts and feelings. I have the means to end my life and I am happy about this. I have a way out any damn time I want it.

I keep thinking what am I going to do for four fucking months until my surgery. I am completely overwhelmed with nothing at all that I can do. I am trying to lose weight. The problem is I just don’t have the fucking energy to do anything. The weather is freezing and even though I love the cold weather, it doesn’t love me back. I tend to get out of breath quicker and also can wheeze if I push myself due to the cold. I also am out of shape so trying to walk around the block will be hard. Today it took all my efforts just to try and straighten out the kitchen and make something to eat. I feel like I can lie down again and just be out for the night. I was able to brush my teeth this morning. I still need to wash my face with the facial acne cleanser so I can try and get rid of the zits on my next and around my beard.

Today was supposed to be the day I would have had surgery had I not become in a psychotic catatonic state. Maybe that is why I am blah today. It hurts knowing that I am going to be in this state for a little while longer. I have tried to reach out to other FTMs but haven’t had luck connecting.

It feels good to have the supports of my friends that are online. I can be honest with them about how I am feeling. Days like today I just want to hide from the world though. I just don’t feel strong enough to show my face. I am trying to tell myself depression lies but it is hard to believe at times. The abyss is so strong. I am just in the dark.

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