Saturday Blog 17122022
I got up late today. I had taken my meds around 10 then went back to bed. I didn’t get up till around 1pm. I made some coffee and had some pumpkin pie. I called my mother to see how she was doing. She sounded good. Tomorrow she is supposed to have surgery on her hip to fix the fracture. I hope she does well and can walk better. I think she is going to be in the hospital for another week, which means she will miss my birthday.
I got a message from the pharmacy saying my prescription was ready. I was going to pick it up yesterday but the weather was awful. Today was cold but better. No rain or harsh winds. I took the bus to the square and then went to Starbucks after I picked up my meds. I then caught the bus home. I got off at a stop a few away from the one I usually do because I had to use the UPS drop off up the street. It was a long way home. I was pretty exhausted by the time I came home. I am glad I made it though.
I got my transcript from UMass. I surprisingly have a 2.1 GPA, which is much better than I thought it was going to be. Now I just need to reapply and then make an appointment with the financial aid office to see how to finance my education.
I have been feeling down today. Parts of me think I need to be back in the hospital and other parts of me say fuck that, I am not going back unless I do something. I also don’t want to go back before my surgery for fear of it getting postponed again. I am trying to take things slow and work through the distress and sadness but it is so overwhelming at times. The psychache hits me like a gut punch and I am floored. I have wicked spasms in my neck and back that are killing me. I have this tension in my legs that is annoying. I am starting PT on Monday and hope that some of these issues will be addressed. I want to have some stamina before surgery. I feel like another hospital stint will just further weaken me. At the same time, I feel like I need to be there because I can’t be safe. I am struggling with thoughts of harming myself. I still wish I were dead. I just don’t see the point in living. Yes I have my surgery and that will change will bring congruence to how I feel as a man. But then what? I just feel so empty, like I have nothing to live for. I have four months before my surgery. What do I do in this time? I’m just not motivated too much to do anything. I could write a book but am wondering if it will be worthwhile.
I read on Twitter about how a therapist at the age of 9 was too scared to talk about being suicidal because of fear of being on the psych ward. A lot of people are scared of talking about their suicidal feelings because of this. They always say to reach out but then you have people who end up killing themselves anyways. I didn’t reach out. I just acted on my feelings and almost ended up dying. I have no regrets about what I did and I would do it again if I knew (and I know) it would kill me. But I don’t want to hurt my sisters. Protective factors. It is the difference right now.