Graduated PT

Graduated PT and other things

I have graduated from PT yesterday. I progressed very well since first going back in Dec. I am so happy. I feel so much stronger and I hope surgery doesn’t kick my butt. I came home and my aunt was over the house. I needed another cup of coffee so I made it. As I was drinking it, my aunt said she was going to leave. My mother didn’t want her to go but then said goodbye. She said that she would be okay as her son was here. No corrections made. She said it. This is the second time in the last few weeks. I feel so euphoric about it. She finally has accepted me as her son and I thought it never would happen.

I got bad news a couple of hours later. My BFFL’s mother passed away. I feel so sad and because it is Friday, I may not be able to attend the wake/funeral because I will be post op and have drains and stuff. I feel horrible about this. I also feel so damn sad. She was like my second mother growing up. Always there. She was a good woman. One of the best. I will miss her dearly.

I swear Love Story will never get old for me. I absolutely love this song so much. I would love to see it live though. I saw Taylor’s mirrorball performance on YouTube and, omg, she was awesome. If I ever get $800 or more for tickets, I will be sure to see her.

Trazodone doesn’t work for me. I am still waking up in the middle of the night after sleeping for a few hours. I don’t really know how many hours I am sleeping. I think it is around 4 or 5 hours and then I wake up. I just sent a message to my psychiatrist about this. I see him a couple days after surgery. I hope that I will be alert enough to have a conversation and not be in too much discomfort. Still can’t believe four months have passed.

I went downstairs to pee and all the lights were on. My mother was in the bathroom and she was moaning and congested. We gave her some stuff to dry up the fluids and try and get her breathing under control. My sister said that if we can’t get it under control, she will basically drown in her own fluids. No one deserves to die like that. I feel so fucking sad. I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I don’t know why I have such a hard time crying. The last time I cried was when I was in the hospital and I was feeling so dysphoric because my surgery was postponed. I was so distraught and the idea of not having top surgery really upset me. I guess I need strong emotions and I just am not feeling that. I don’t know why. It bothers me so much. I know I would feel better if I cry. I just can’t. It really sucks.

any thoughts?

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