grief is so fucking hard

Grief is so fucking hard

In the quest of trying to change my bedding, I was clearing stuff off my bed that had accumulated since top surgery back in March. I found my mother’s obituary/memorial thing from the funeral home. Just seeing her stupid smiling face made me feel a pang of loss. I didn’t know where to put it so I just shoved it in my drawer thing.

I have been drinking a lot of coffee today. I had four cups so far. It is so hot in my house other than in my room. I finally put my comforter in the wash. My bed is clear and I will hopefully be sleeping in clean sheets tonight. Haven’t decided if I am going to shower or not. I last took a shower over the weekend at the hospital. I thought I brought some t-shirts but I didn’t. I only had two tank tops with me and two long sleeved shirts. It worked out because the AC was blowing so it was cool throughout my stay.

I woke up feeling rested for the first time in forever. I took my beard off. I am down to a stubble. My moustache is a mess. I don’t know how to fix it without shaving it off and I am not ready to do that yet. I found some scissors so might trim it so that it doesn’t look so messed up. I woke up with my chest feeling tight. I took some meds and it loosened up. I just feel really tired now after I have been doing stuff.

I managed to put my comforter and sheets in the wash. I had like four sets of sheets and I can only find one. I can’t seem to find the sheet but found the fitted sheet. Ugh. My foot is flared up with nerve pain right now otherwise I would try and find the damn sheet. I know where the pillow case is at least. I have no idea where my gray sheet set went. Haven’t seen that in a long time. But then, I haven’t really been looking for it either.

Foot is acting up so taking a shower after I make the bed is out. Soon as I finish writing this blog I am going to make the bed. I need to see my barber soon. I am going to try and shave after the cut to take it down some. But my hair grows so fast that it really doesn’t matter if I do or not.

Dr. Jobes came out with his third edition of Managing Suicide Risk. I will be ordering it on Monday. I will have all three versions. I plan on reading the third edition to update my blog about it. I haven’t updated it since the SSF was in its third phase. I am hoping there is now an electronic version of the SSF (suicide status form). I had been making them in a word document but since I don’t have a therapist that uses them, I haven’t updated it to the current form. I’ve seen no reason to.

Sox played day game and lost. They are on their way home. They are off tomorrow, which sucks. They will play the miserable Mets so will probably lose to them. I just don’t have confidence in them anymore. Games they should have kicked ass, they lose. I don’t get it.