Why does it hurt to exist?

Why does it hurt to exist?

I have been struggling past couple of days with depression. I have been forcing myself to get up and do things. Today I made myself get out of bed at 10 so I could have a cup of coffee before my cousin called. I asked him to take me to the grocery store so I can get some more coffee. I just felt really bad and just wanted to stay in but I went out and got a couple of boxes of coffee. Then I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds that I forgot yesterday. My cousin gave me some money so I could buy some candy. I had told him that chocolate was so damn expensive. I paid like $6 for a bag of Reese’s pumpkins. It didn’t ring up the sale price and I didn’t care. I probably had to use my rewards card to take a buck off. I paid and then went back to the car.

It was trash day and my brother in law is away so I brought them into the driveway. The house is empty and I am feeling the loss of my mother. It is so hard. I feel ugly and fat. I haven’t eaten anything yet. I might make a pot pie. I have a few left from the time I bought them.

I feel so ugly. I found a pic of when I was before everything in 2017. It was taken a few weeks before my name change. October is basically my transition month. I started T and legally changed my name and gender change on my license. Depression is just making everything sour. I don’t know if this is because of the EMDR session or just my regular depression hitting me hard the past few days. My cousin thinks my hair is good and he is a barber himself so he knows. I think it could be short on the sides though. I like it close.

My ankle is bothering me, the CRPS one. It was flared up yesterday, too. I don’t remember if I took pain meds or not. I have been trying to see if the pain goes away on its own, which is hard to do as it can be hours before it finally lets up. Some times it takes some gabapentin and rest. I did a lot of walking in the store because my cousin parked at the other end of the store and the coffee aisle was toward the front. I had the coffee and it is weak. I might have to hit the “strong” button on the Keurig. I hate weak coffee but I think I put too much half and half.

I need to shower as I smell but I have no fucking energy for it. I probably have to shave or trim my underarms. I can’t remember the last time I did it. I also need to start clearing my bed off so I can change the sheets. I also need to wash some clothes for the fall. I am still wearing shorts because it is warm today. I still have the AC on. I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 2330 and didn’t go back to bed until around 0400. I was coloring. I thought about reading but my mind was awake so I knew if I started reading it would get me thinking and I really wouldn’t go back to bed.