set fire to the rain

Set fire to the rain

I didn’t have a good night sleeping. I had bad dreams and headaches. I really didn’t want to go to therapy. I managed to brush my teeth, shave and shower. I was home alone so thought about my mother. I miss her so much. I am wearing an old tshirt. I never realized how tight it was in the chest until now. It is comfortable now that I am flat. It is so odd that today my mood has gone from feeling sad to feeling joy to feeling sad and going back and forth.

I had therapy. We did a stabilization worksheet that I pulled up. It was lame. I wrote down stuff I usually do and she wanted me to do things I don’t do. She wanted me to do something that gave me purpose but I couldn’t think of anything. Most I listed was emptying the dishwasher. Before I knew it, our time was up. We made an appointment for next week. I am glad because I don’t think I could handle another appointment this week.

I feel like I have squirrels in my brain. I can’t seem to focus. Right foot is bothering me. It is the pain I have had the last few months. I have no idea what is causing this pain. I am ok when I walk. My calf hurts when I move my foot. It’s probably all connected somehow. My CRPS foot is cold. It is cold today. I haven’t left the house. I still need to bring my recycling down to the bin.

I feel like a nobody. I feel like I will never amount to anything. My illness has taken so much from me. My therapist thinks that I can recover from depression cognitively. I don’t know about this. I just get through the day to day stuff. Today it is hitting me hard. Grief is hitting me hard and I feel like I just want to die. The beginning part of the stabilization document had to do with lethal means. I told my therapist I didn’t have a plan but I do. I don’t plan on acting on it anytime soon.