Therapy and stuff

I had therapy today. I wasn’t sure how I was going to wake up for it but I slept through most of the night ok. I did wake up a few times with headaches but was able to get back asleep.

Things were going great in therapy until she brought up my suicidality. I tried telling her how much it was tied to me being trans and I don’t think she was getting me. It was like she thought my suicidality was separate. Anyways I told her stuff she wanted to hear. I also told her I am trying to be more mindful when I start spiraling down. Sometimes I am able to catch myself and other times it isn’t as easy. I was getting a headache half way through. It was a dull headache. I needed coffee. I only had one cup before therapy.

I think I am going to post my suicidality thing here. I don’t know what else to do with it. I thought we were done talking about my suicidality in therapy but she still wants me to talk about it. It is hard because I am not in a suicidal mind. I vaguely thought about my plan. No one knows about it. I’d like to keep it that way. I have to learn to like myself more. I’m not sure I can. I still don’t like my body. But I know I can’t starve myself to lose the weight I need to. I care but I don’t. I just got to try and not gain more.