Month: November 2023

A busy day

I got up this morning and the last of my half and half was used. I had to go out and get it. I wasn’t feeling that great but I brushed my teeth and got dressed. I went to the bus stop and the bus went past where I was used to. I guess they took away that bus stop as well. I had to walk farther to get to the grocery store. I was struggling when I reached the parking lot. I kept walking and thankfully there was a bench near the door I wanted to go into. I sat for a little bit before entering the store. Of course the half and half was at the back of the store. I was so fucking tired. I grabbed a carton and went back toward the registers. I paid then went back to the same bench to rest for a few more minutes. I made my way through the parking lot but had to stop at one of the houses and sat on the stairs for a bit. I was starting to feel like I was going to have an asthma attack. I was really struggling to breathe. There was a park about half a block from the house and it had some seats. I sat for a bit and checked to see when the bus would be there. It would be there in like 6 minutes so I sat for a minute or two. I knew it wouldn’t take me long to get there but I didn’t know if there was going to be a seated bus stop when I got there. There wasn’t. There was a bench but it was back away from the street. I didn’t want to miss the bus so I stood and my hamstrings hated me. Bus came and I got off on my regular stop. I thought about getting off on the stop before it but that would mean walking uphill to my house and there was no fucking way I was going to be able to do that. I was already wheezing by the time I reached the street that I swear is a mile long to my house. I sat on my porch for a few minutes before I got in the house. I was wheezing and coughing. I really exerted myself. Just for a half gallon of half and half. Just for a cup of coffee.

I made it into the house and relaxed a bit. I made my coffee. It was so good. I had a couple of hours before I was to have a phone call to my friend in England. I was too tired to cook anything. I just drank my coffee and then went up to my room to relax. I texted my sister and she wanted me to come down. I didn’t feel like going anywhere. I looked at my health thingy that counts my steps and I did over 2700. I was getting hungry and thought about making a burrito with cheesy eggs. I went back downstairs but the tortilla wraps were gone. I heated up some chili instead. It was so fucking good. I still needed to make the chicken I took out the other night. I found some red potatoes and took them out. I got a message from my doctor saying my new migraine med had been approved. I wasn’t in the mood to call the pharmacy and be on hold for an hour.

I talked to my friend for about an hour. Time went by so fast. We got caught up as we haven’t chatted in so long. Then I went back downstairs to cut up the potatoes and roast the chicken. I put it in and it is cooking as we speak.

I had a shit night again. I woke up around 4 with a bad toothache. I took some ibuprofen. It seems to work as good as pain meds so I took it. I thought about eating something so it wouldn’t wreck my stomach but I knew that would cause me more pain. After an hour of being in pain, the ibuprofen kicked in and I was able to sleep until 930ish. I woke up with my shirt wet. I have been waking up with sweats for the past several days. I don’t know if it is because I just get hot while sleeping or something else. My liver function is normal so I am not so worried about it. I will mention it to my pcp when I see her next month. I hope by then the new migraine med is working and my sleep is better.

I registered for classes for the spring and I hope that I get financial aid so I can attend them. Last night I was talking to my friend in Australia and I got stuck with the feelings about suicidality and being trans. I wrote about another paragraph to my suicidality essay that I am not sure what the fuck I am doing with. It’s like my book, just a bunch of ideas strung together but shorter. I don’t know if I want to add it to my book or blog it. I’ll play with it another week and then decide.

Squirrels in my brain

I had another rough night. I had dreams and headaches. I woke up around 5 with my head in excruciating pain. I took my migraine med and I only had one left. I did a refill. I will pick it up tomorrow. I was able to get back to sleep. I woke up again around 10. My sister made chili and wanted me to put it away. I had some and then put it away while I had my coffee. I did a few loads of laundry. I want to go out to get some half and half but I ran out of energy. I will go tomorrow.

I managed to brush my teeth but I haven’t shaved yet. I don’t know if I am going to. Might do it tomorrow. Or I might use the electric shaver. I have been doing that on days I don’t have the energy to shave in the bathroom. I took out chicken last night and didn’t have a chance to cook it today. I will do that tomorrow, maybe after I make a run to the grocery store.

I had a meeting with my psychiatrist. Our internet was bad so he called me. We talked about the DMH decision and how I remedied it. I will call this week to see if they have received the documents. We also talked about going up on the Effexor. He will be calling in a script for 75 mg, bringing my dose to the max of 225 mg. It has been the only antidepressant that really hasn’t caused me side effects and has helped with my mood. I told him my neuro thinks the headaches are migraines and has put me on an injector medication. I should hopefully hear this week whether it has been approved by my insurance.

I feel kind of down. I did stuff I didn’t plan on doing but needed to be done. I wish I had the energy to go out but I can do it tomorrow. I just hope I get some decent sleep or I am not going to want to do anything. I haven’t touched my book the last few days because frankly, I just can’t stop reading it when I pick it up. It is so fricken good. If you haven’t read The Education of Henry Adams, you should. It is a good book.

I think I am going to watch Friends. I keep watching the same reels on Facebook and I miss it so much. Matthew Perry was Chandler and I know he didn’t want to be remembered as just Chandler but I think he will. He is the guy that made a lot of people laugh and people need laughter over everything else.

Set fire to the rain

I didn’t have a good night sleeping. I had bad dreams and headaches. I really didn’t want to go to therapy. I managed to brush my teeth, shave and shower. I was home alone so thought about my mother. I miss her so much. I am wearing an old tshirt. I never realized how tight it was in the chest until now. It is comfortable now that I am flat. It is so odd that today my mood has gone from feeling sad to feeling joy to feeling sad and going back and forth.

I had therapy. We did a stabilization worksheet that I pulled up. It was lame. I wrote down stuff I usually do and she wanted me to do things I don’t do. She wanted me to do something that gave me purpose but I couldn’t think of anything. Most I listed was emptying the dishwasher. Before I knew it, our time was up. We made an appointment for next week. I am glad because I don’t think I could handle another appointment this week.

I feel like I have squirrels in my brain. I can’t seem to focus. Right foot is bothering me. It is the pain I have had the last few months. I have no idea what is causing this pain. I am ok when I walk. My calf hurts when I move my foot. It’s probably all connected somehow. My CRPS foot is cold. It is cold today. I haven’t left the house. I still need to bring my recycling down to the bin.

I feel like a nobody. I feel like I will never amount to anything. My illness has taken so much from me. My therapist thinks that I can recover from depression cognitively. I don’t know about this. I just get through the day to day stuff. Today it is hitting me hard. Grief is hitting me hard and I feel like I just want to die. The beginning part of the stabilization document had to do with lethal means. I told my therapist I didn’t have a plan but I do. I don’t plan on acting on it anytime soon.